Social media can be a fabulous, supportive place to be, or it can be a really negative place to be. After taking some criticism for a video that I posted on tiktok I'm talking about what we assume of people by looking at them, what our weight on the scales, our diet, our genes, and calorie counting all really mean for our health. I'm also talking about a video that I saw on social media that really pulled at my heartstrings.

This week I'm answering a listener question - what's the difference between mindful eating and intuitive eating, or are they the same?

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Please note, this podcast is intended to be general information for entertainment purposes only. Any figures quoted are correct at the time of recording. As always, please seek the support of a registered professional before making changes to your diet or lifestyle⁠, or if you feel that you are affected by any of the topics discussed.

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Welcome to the Intuitive Eating And Body Positivity Podcast. I'm Terri, and I'll be talking about all things Intuitive Eating, Body positivity and Health At Every Size, and shaking off weight stigma, diet culture and food rules, so that we can all have a better relationship with food and our bodies.

Hello, good morning. I always want to say, good morning or good afternoon or Happy Sunday or something like that, but then I never know what time of day you listen or what day you listen. So it feels like I can't do that. But hi.

I hope you've had a good week. I have had my second covid jab this week. I did not feel well after. I thought I'd breezed through it. I thought I'd done really well on the first one. I thought I was going to be one of the lucky ones that didn't have any side effects. Turns out I did. The nurse did warn me. She said, "how did you get on with your first one" and I said "oh, fine, fine". Then she said, "oh, well, just to just to warn you, you probably won't be very well on this one then". Oh, brilliant. Yeah, sure enough I was quite unwell, which put a spanner in the works with a few things, but not to worry had to be done. I'm very grateful for it and I don't like rearranging things very often, but I was happy to rearrange those things for the sake of being protected. So that's done and dusted now. Excellent. Happy days.

Also this week I saw a video posted on TikTok. This will lead into what I'm going to talk about today quite nicely, but I saw a video on TikTok and it was a lady who I follow. I follow her because she makes me laugh all the time. Her usual style is humour, but she posted a really heartfelt video and it was about her struggles with food, and she was basically sat in a moment of panic and fear and she was talking about how she lost control of food, how she had historically lost weight.

She'd put it all back on again and she had just lost control in her mind of her eating, of her weight, of everything. She said she was living in a calorie deficit all the time but in the evenings she was bingeing and she was just scared about what was going to happen. And for me that really hit home. I felt it because that's how I felt once upon a time. Just before I had my counselling for my disordered eating, that is the stage that I'd got to.

I felt what she was feeling. That horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach when you are desperate and upset and panicking and scared and just don't know what to do to make it better. That is everything I could feel in that video of hers, and it's so heartbreaking because food shouldn't be like that for people. Food should be enjoyable, it should be social, it should be comforting when you need it, it should be fun when you want it to be, it should be stress free.

With the exception of food shopping, obviously, because that's always stressful. Food shouldn't be like that and your weight shouldn't be like that, and this lady was not what I would consider a plus size lady at all by any stretch. I don't think anybody would reasonably look at her and think that she was plus size, and yet she was so overcome and upset because she put on weight. This is what happens when you have years and years of dieting and restriction and just trying to get control of something that actually ultimately you have no control over.

You can have control over what you eat. You can have control over when you choose to stop eating. What you don't ultimately have control over is your weight. You can short term control that, you can short term lose weight, you can short term gain weight if you choose to, but your body will always try and return to its natural weight setpoint. And know I haven't talked about weight setpoint in this podcast yet, but we'll save that for another day.

But ultimately, your body is always going to try and get back to the point that it is designed to be at, and for some people, years and years and years of dieting can delay that. But that dieting gets harder and harder and harder and more and more restrictive, and then you end up in that nasty pattern of trying really hard to restrict, and then it bounces back and you end up bingeing.

I've been talking in my weekly group coaching sessions about the pendulum effect, and what that means is this. If you imagine a pendulum, a swinging pendulum. If you restrict and you restrict and restrict, that's pulling this pendulum so far the one way that when you let it go, when you stop that restriction, it swings so far back the other way and you eat and you eat and you eat. When you have control over your eating, that pendulum movement swings at a much lower level.

So you might not eat for a while and get quite hungry, but then the pendulum swinging back the other way is that you'll have a decent sized meal, you'll have probably a good amount of food that satisfies you, maybe a bit more if you've let yourself get really, really hungry. Maybe that pendulum will swing a bit further and you'll have a lot of food, so you feel a little bit more than comfortable, verging on uncomfortable.

And then if say you don't eat for a whole day - don't do that folks - if you don't eat for a whole day, that pendulum is swinging further back into that restriction. By the end of that fasting you're going to swing so far back the other way and you're just going to want to eat and eat and eat. And that's what this restriction and bingeing pendulum looks like. So this is what happens the more that you diet. The more that pendulum starts to swing into restriction, because it takes more and more and more to lose that same weight that you're trying to lose over and over again, that when it swings back the other way, you lose control.

With Intuitive Eating, that control is claimed back. I'm so pleased that she posted it and so pleased that she vocalised how she was feeling. As I said, her usual style is not that. Her usual style is humour, but if posting that video has helped somebody, and if posting that video has helped her, then that's excellent. I have messaged her and she said that a lot of people have messaged her about Intuitive Eating, which is incredible. So I hope she's able to find a way to get that into her life and to get out of what she's currently feeling.

But it's just heartbreaking. You don't have to sit in that misery. You don't have to sit in that fear and that panic. You can always, always do something about that.

I didn't say this in order to sell anything, but I have a weekly group coaching session. If you are in that place, if you need some help, just reach out.

Just come and join us and we'll get out of it together. Link in the show notes. I thank you.

Anyway, this leads quite nicely onto what I was going to talk about, because I was going to talk about social media today. It's just completely coincidental that that has happened. So that's amazing. Let me tell you a little story about my TikTok hell. So just to put it out there, I'm not a fan of TikTok anymore.

I don't think I ever really was on board with TikTok, but it seemed to be where everybody was going and I thought I'd have a little go get on there, see what it was like, and I got quite into watching a lot of the videos. It amused me no end, and so I thought, you know what, I'm going to start posting. But I thought I'd make a break away from the normal messages and I'd make it the place you'd go for a bit of humour, a bit of fun with a couple of messages peppered into that.

So I started posting some videos and I posted this one video about me eating a cake, and basically, it's me stood with a massive sponge cake saying if you eat an entire cake without cutting it, technically that's only one piece. It's a joke, it's funny, right? I thought so anyway. The comeback that I had from that video was horrific. I had the most ridiculous comments. It was like people are taking it seriously.

I had comments like "just cut it like a normal person", "that one piece is over X calories". Or "that's called obesity". "Maybe you should cut back". Or "diabetes, in other words". And "heart attack waiting to happen", and "the scales will say different". Oh, well, thank you very much people of TikTok. One person made a comment and then disclosed that they had somebody close to them die of a heart attack because they were "unhealthy", and they'd automatically linked what they see to be unhealthy food and calorie content to poor health.

Now, food and health is a really complex topic because, as we know, biologically there's a lot that goes on. So when you put food in, when you eat, it's not just a case of eating lettuce, now I'm healthy. Eat a cake, well, now I'm unhealthy. It's not that cut and dry. It's really, really complex.

So calorie counting, for example, there's a big misconception that the more calories that you eat, the more weight you're going to gain, and the worse your health is going to be. Full stop. It's a very black and white statement. Technically, or tentically as one person wrote in the comments, brilliant, the energy balance equation is about energy in verses energy out. So if you eat less calories than you use, you'll be in a calorie deficit and you'll lose weight. If you eat more calories than you use, you'll have excess calories and you'll gain weight. So in physics or maths that is true, but then when you put that into the human body, all manner of other things have to get added into that equation.

For example, there are over 100 genes that determine your body weight alone. Before you put anything in your mouth, before you're even born, you have over 100 genes that have pretty much already decided what sort of body weight you are designed to be. Then those all interact with different mechanisms in the body and then all that responds to the food that we consume.

And then add to that the fact that the number of calories that you put in your mouth is not the number of calories that you absorb and you use as energy. It's now crazy complex. It's true, the type of food that you are eating will have different levels of caloric availability, so that basically means the level of calories that your body can pull out of that food and use. A good example of this is sweetcorn. So whole kernals, if you eat them, they don't get digested very well, and a large proportion will get passed through the digestive system relatively unscathed and appears out at the other end.

But if you were to grind that sweet corn up into a powder you are able to digest that more easily and then you'll take more of the calories out of the corn. Plus, add into that your body will use those calories more or less effectively than somebody else. So you might eat the same amount of sweetcorn as your mum but you will use that sweetcorn differently to how your mum's body will use that sweetcorn.

You also naturally need different levels of calories to other people. You may need more calories for your body to just function on a daily basis. You may need less than somebody else, you might be more active than somebody else and demand that energy, or you may not be. Your actual bodily systems may need more calories to function than somebody else's, or they may not.

So hopefully that gives you a good idea of how the calories in versus calories out equation just cannot be taken as black and white. Eat more calories, you'll gain weight, eat less calories, you'll lose weight? It doesn't apply. It's not that simple.

All right, so then lots of people were commenting on the post that they were worried for my health. How very kind of them. Thank you so much. But lots of that was based on the fact that they thought if I didn't eat cake or if I had a smaller piece, and I lost some weight, I would be healthy. Brill, simple, yeah?

Nope, it's a terrible sweeping statement that if you lose weight, you'll be healthier. As you know, I'm a big Health At Every Size advocate. You have to wipe that thought from your mind if it's something that you currently believe, because again, there's lots of factors at play.

How quickly do you lose that weight, what did you do to lose that weight? What was your body weight before? What was your body weight after? What was the diet like when losing weight? All of these things really matter. Quick weight loss is not good. It sends the body into a bit of a blind panic and is usually accompanied by serious restriction. The weight comes bouncing back at speed and it usually causes more harm than good.

Maybe you don't really have any weight to lose for your body to be happy, and so losing weight is actually detrimental rather than beneficial. And how far are you pushing it before you stop losing that weight? How extreme does that weight loss have to become before you stop?

The type of food that you consume in that time is super important. You could cut a large number of calories from your diet but still live on crisps and chocolate alone, and then what you have is restriction and a degree of malnutrition because you don't have enough vitamins and minerals that your body needs to keep you healthy.

And did you know that the disorder, anorexia, for example, that's often found in larger bodied people? Eating disorders of that nature do not always present as the person being seriously underweight, so to anybody on the outside it looks like they're just on a diet, but it's actually serious restriction and while people are busy congratulating the weight loss, the person is actually really harming themselves. Fast weight loss might be a sign of an eating disorder, and so this is where encouraging weight loss across the board can be really dangerous.

It's something we absolutely have to work on stopping, actually. I felt like a really bad friend some time ago. Go back I don't know, a month probably. A friend of mine sent me a photo. I love her dearly, and she sent me a photo of her at Christmas and then her, say, three or four months later. She lost a lot of weight. She was really pleased with herself and I couldn't congratulate her.

I didn't want to congratulate her. I know better than that. She will have expected it. I skirted around it, I made some other comments about her outfit and about what was going on in the photos, and I avoided the topic of weight. She didn't push for any comments on that from me, which I'm pleased about, but it's really difficult and I felt like a terrible friend, but I cannot congratulate people on weight loss, knowing the damage is done.

Anyway. Obesity itself as well is not actually an indicator of poor health either. Just because a person is overweight it doesn't automatically mean that they're unhealthy. There are plenty of inspiring influencers on social media, for example, that prove that you can be fit and healthy and have a clean bill of health in a bigger body. Loads of them.

At the opposite end of the scale, let's look at fitness models, male and female. So would you look at those people in magazines and online and think how fit and healthy that they must be, and how you love to look like them? I used to have a photo that I had saved on my phone. It was my motivation. It was my inspiration, and it was a fitness model and, I'm not going to describe it, but just let's say she was a typical fitness model. In my eyes she looked incredible, but there are so many of those models out there that will tell you that their leanest they were unhappy. They were clinically depressed. They were lacking vital bodily functions.

They were weak. They were dehydrated. Their health in general was very poor, and those people, those fitness models, they actually don't advocate it and it's their living. So now knowing that I urge you to take a look at those models differently. See if they still look fit and healthy to you now that you know what's going on for them. I hope not, because they really are a prime example of losing weight not being beneficial to your health.

All right, back to my cake video. Do you think that in real life, if I wanted to, I could sit and eat a massive three three-tier, jam and cream filled, huge sponge cake? No. Of course not. I don't think I could. I don't think I would have the space to eat it, like physically, space in my stomach. I don't think I could do that. I don't think that actually I could get through it. I think it would make me feel sick before I did that because it was a hefty piece of cake. I just couldn't eat it all.

It was lovely, but I couldn't eat it all. And do I eat nothing but cake all day, every day? No, of course not. My diet is varied. It's a really good mix of carbs and fats and proteins and vitamins and minerals. I don't have super nutritious food on every single plate I eat, but overall I have a really nutritious balance of foods.

And I have some play foods in there. So for those who don't know about play food, play food is the Intuitive Eating community's way of saying junk food. We don't call it junk because it's still got a place in the balanced diet, and junk implies it's rubbish and we don't do food guilt thank you very much.

So I have my fair share of play foods and I have my fair share of really nutritious foods. So these people commenting on my video were assuming my diet based on a cake. Based on a joke. And the point is, you can't tell by looking at me in that one video how much I eat, or how much of it is good for me. How much of any one food I eat. How often I eat. You can't do that. You can't know what is good for my body by looking at me. You don't know what it responds well to. You don't know what disagrees with me. You don't know what nutrients I am or I'm not lacking. You don't know how much energy I need or I don't need.

When it comes to food affecting health yes, if you were going to eat a block of lard a day then that might have some obvious repercussions, but it's an unrealistic scenario. Just like me eating the whole cake is unrealistic because no one's really going to do that. Nobody is going to really do that, and if they do do it, it's going to be a short lived thing. They're not doing it their whole life.

Some foods are less nutritious than others yes, but if you have a good balanced diet that food's going to play a very small part in your health. We don't eat food in isolation. There's always other food in the day. So if you're eating a whole cake every day and nothing else, then I would say you're not eating intuitively. That's something to look at because that's not going to be health maximising. But if you enjoy cake as a part of your day, I'm all for that.

With conditions like diabetes and heart attacks, it's fair to say you can give yourself a fighting chance with the food that you eat, but it is totally unfair to say to somebody that eating a cake will give them diabetes or a heart attack. Again, the bodies really complex, it can't be affected by food alone. It's how that food interacts with your internal systems that determines those outcomes.

Add to that factors like your family history, pollutants outside in your environment, money, activity levels, social factors. All of a sudden it's a massive picture where there's lots of things affecting your health. People need to stop spewing blanket statements like "cake gives you diabetes", "cake will give you a heart attack".

I absolutely do know that the quality and type of food that you put in your body has an effect on your health. As a nutritional therapist, I couldn't not know this. It would be wrong of me to ignore it. There's no denying that you can definitely improve your health if you eat well. Some foods are more nutritious than others, and different foods do support different systems in the body. But my motto is this, isn't it much nicer to ask what can be added to the diet to make it more nutritious than to ask what we can restrict and take out? Isn't it better to look at what nutrients you can add to the diet rather than what you think you should cut out?

The same result will come out of it nutritionally, more or less, but it's reframed and it's a much more positive experience. It doesn't end up with you wanting foods that you've put on this banned list and feeling like you're missing out, because remember where that ends up that ends up? On that really nasty binge restrict cycle. You are going to be at the far, far end of that pendulum waiting to swing right back. So my point is you need to remove the automatic blanket statements that say it's only the food that impacts on somebody's health, and that what you see in a picture or a video is an indication of the person's diet as a whole.

We should always consider that there are going to be other reasons why a person is going to have health issues.

And then finally, the comments about my weight. Now, I've said to hell with the scales for a long, long time. I don't weigh myself. I refuse. It makes me miserable. I put too much value on what that number means, and in reality, it says nothing because it just tells me the force that exists between me and the Earth.

It doesn't tell me about my health or my body composition, and even your average bathroom scales that measure the water in your body and your body fat, for example, they're not accurate. So please don't waste your money on them.

If I ate the whole cake, you know, from the video, then sure I would weigh heavier because then it would be me and the cake on the scales, not just me. It might mean that I retain some water for a bit that will make me heavier too. But whatever the number is, it doesn't make any difference to my physical health or my mental well-being, or my worth. That doesn't directly correlate to my level of health. So what is the point in me putting myself through it? I won't do it.

Don't get me wrong, I do feel terrible for people who lose people close to them through ill health. It's really, really sad and it's really hard for those people to deal with, especially if they think that they can see things in that person's life that they could have done to help themselves.

A little like how many times have you looked at a friend or family member and thought they'd be healthier if they just lost a bit of weight? They'd just be doing themselves a favour if they could eat a few less chocolate bars or a few less box of crisps? And it's not your fault that you think that because we're al so heavily influenced by diet culture and the messages in weight stigma. When you've been seeing and hearing those for a lifetime, you're not to blame for believing them.

But that pattern of thinking can be changed when we realise that health is an extremely individual thing, and what food does in one person's body is completely different to what it does in somebody else's. You're not the same as anybody else on this planet. Even if you're an identical twin your needs and your body's reactions are going to be different. True story! There's massive studies done on that, and even twins have different biological responses to food and weight management.

We've all seen those photos, haven't we, on social media, where it's lots of people that look very different, but it says they all weigh the same. And it's true because one person weighing X kilos on the scales can have a very different body composition to someone else who also weighs X kilos. Someone at one stage in their life may even have a different body composition to their own body at that same weight, but in a different stage of their life.

So you, at one weight in your 20s, will have a very different body to you at that same weight in your 60s, for example, because as you go through life your body's demands will be different. Your life experience and all the things you're subjected to in that time will affect what your body needs and how it uses it. Your body's constantly adapting and changing, and so applying a set of rules to your body based simply on what you look like, is doing yourself a real disservice for all the hard work and the amazing things that your body does for you.

Don't you think it deserves a little bit more than for you to just try and apply these same rules and eating habits as somebody else just because it works for them? You do deserve more. You don't necessarily need to go out and scrutinise every piece of food that you put in your mouth and how your body reacts cellular level, but you can start to gauge how you feel in general after eating, and then you can work with that. So as a starting point, what you can do is start making some notes about the foods that you eat and how they make you feel.

And you don't have to make notes about all foods, but you can say after lunch, if you start to feel a bit sluggish, you can make a note of that and record what you ate for your lunch. And then if the next day you have something different for lunch, you can record how that makes you feel, and you can start to see a pattern and figure out what makes you feel good. You can do the same thing with foods that make you feel energised.

So if you eat something and you feel great. Then you can make a note of that. If one type of breakfast makes you feel really energised for the morning and another breakfast doesn't fill you up, you can note that. And you'll start seeing how these things affect you and then maybe you can start adding some new foods to your diet, and see how you like them and see how they affect you. You can, of course, consult with a professional to fine tune it, but that's a good place to start to start understanding your relationship with food and then you can start listening to your body.

That way, you don't need to stand on the scales to do this and you'll actually get a clearer picture if you avoid them altogether. So although I didn't do a massive deep dive into those issues, I hope now that you can see that just what you see in some of these social media posts does not give you a fair indication of their health. And to criticise somebody for what you perceive their diet to be is wrong and it's unfair.

You can't judge a person's overall diet based on a photo or a video. You can't know what their health is like based on what you see them eating. You can't figure out how well their bodies functioning based on their size, and you certainly can't judge your own health based on the numbers on the scales. Because if it was that easy to diagnose and fix health issues just through losing a bit of weight and changing a bit of food, wouldn't everybody be super healthy?

We just need to be a bit more compassionate and understanding towards others and towards ourselves, actually. So needless to say TikTok has gone in the bin for me. I still use it to watch videos, but I don't post on there anymore because it's also not a nice place to be. It's a bit of an open forum for people to just say what the hell they like to people and it's largely unregulated from what I can make out.

People are able to say things without any comeback, I guess, and these comments just get thrown out. It's very, very impersonal. And everybody thinks that they've got the right to say what they like about the way that people look. I had all kinds of comments. I had comments on my weight, my face, my shape, how the jewellery sits on my hand, all sorts of things. It was quite nasty. I spent an awful lot of time blocking people.

I'm not posting there. Please don't bother to go and follow me there. I am not posting there anymore. It's absolutely not going to be a platform that I recommend people use because it's brutal. And I know there's a lot of things on there that people get a lot of benefit from. There's a lot of good stuff on there, a lot of informative stuff, but sadly, the idiots there far outweigh the benefits for me. I'm sticking to good old Instagram.

Come and follow me there. I'm @IAmTerriPugh. Just come and follow me there. We'll have a lovely time on Instagram. It's a much nicer place to be. And if you know of anybody that's struggling, going back to this poor, lovely lady that I was talking about at the beginning, if you know anybody that's struggling, if you are struggling, just please come and follow, because there's some really useful things there that, even if you don't engage in any kind of group sessions or anything, that's not mandatory, that I share stuff all the time that will just help you to reframe your thinking and help you to see how dieting is not the answer.

That's not the way to get better health, mentally or physically. So, yeah, if you know anybody that could use this, please give it a share. Tell them about the profile and send them my way, and then hopefully they can learn some bits and pieces that will start to help them on their journey too.

Oh, that felt like it was a heavier one, didn't it, today? Also this week, I did ask if anybody had any questions for me to answer, because I'd like to be an interactive podcast. I'd like to give you some information myself, but I'd also like to be a place where you can ask questions and I'll answer them for you too.

So my favourite question that I was asked was, "what is the difference between mindful eating and Intuitive Eating, or are they the same thing?".

That is a really excellent question, because those terms quite often get interchanged and people think that they're the same thing, but they're actually not.

So mindful eating is about paying attention when you're eating. It's about chewing the food, it's about feeling the sensations in your mouth, the textures, the tastes, the flavours. The sweet, sour, the salty, how satisfying it feels to chew it. Recognising how hungry you are at any given stage of your eating and when you're full stopping.

Oh, my God, somebody has chosen now to mow their lawns. So sorry, I hope you can't hear it.

Anyway, mindful eating. You can see how that is a very definite part of Intuitive Eating. It is that sitting down, focussing on your food, focussing on how it feels to eat it, taking some little breaks to put your knife and fork down and evaluate how the food is feeling and how your body is feeling, whether you feel full or not, whether you feel hungry.

So that is a very good part of Intuitive Eating, but that's almost where mindful eating stops. And Intuitive Eating is much more than that. There are ten principles of Intuitive Eating, and not all of them based around the actual food itself. So there is focus on getting rid of diet culture and challenging those thoughts that are in your head. There's a focus on movement for feeling good and not for earning food. There's a lot in there about coping with your emotions and being kind to yourself as you work through the process.

It approaches making peace with food and there's a lot of stuff in there about the emotion behind how you choose to eat that food in the first place. For example, some people have some real fears around certain foods that they eat because they feel like they don't have control around them. Well, there's a lot of work in Intuitive Eating to look at that before you've even put your food on your plate. Before you even come to do that mindful eating there's a lot of work that forms this holistic package that helps you to overcome these issues that you have around food.

I also find that mindful eating also encourages restriction in a way. It's very subtle, but it's definitely there. So in Intuitive Eating, you sit, you eat mindfully, but nothing ever says stop. That's your choice. If you're hungry, keep eating. If you're full, it's your choice as to whether you stop eating or not. Nobody's saying to you you are full, therefore you must stop eating.

Mindful eating, on the other hand, as a practice, is very much about honouring your hunger and your fullness and when you are full stopping. So that's quite a big difference in the two practices.

So to summarise, mindful eating mostly about sitting, focussing on the food that you're eating. Figuring out how it feels to be eating it and deciding that when you're full, you've had enough. Intuitive Eating is a much bigger, more holistic package. It tackles the things that affect your choices with food, as well as just the food on your plate when you're eating it.

So I hope that helps. I hope that answered the question. I will put another question box up this week because I've enjoyed that. I like hearing the questions that you have. Please send them and I will do my best to answer them for you.

Right. I'm off to do some fun stuff, you know, like changing the bed, doing some washing, hoovering. Fun stuff. Oh, got to be done though hasn't it, hey? Tidy house, tidy mind and all that. Who invented that saying?

I mean, it is true for me I can't bear clutter and mess. So I do always prefer it when the place is clean and tidy. But it's just doing it, isn't it? It's no fun. It's no fun. There are better things to be doing. On the plus side, my food shop has arrived this morning. The cupboards are full once again, and because I didn't have to go and get it, I've had zero shopping stress. Oh, I hate food shopping so much. Anyway. Yes, cupboards in the fridge are full. That makes me happy.

Right, have a good week. Have a great week. Be kind to yourself because you are amazing and you deserve it. See you next week. Bye.

Intuitive Eating & Body Positivity with Terri Pugh

15. Social media - the good, the bad, and the ugly

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