34. How to talk to friends and family about your eating disorder or difficulties with food

Talking to friends or family about your eating disorder or difficulties with food can be really scary. How will you find the words, who will you tell, when will you find the time? You get yourself upset and anxious about it, and then it doesn't happen. But talking to someone about your eating disorder can provide such relief, not to mention support going forward. Let me help you with some tips on how to have that conversation.

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Here are some great eating disorder charities that can help you and your family to work through your eating disorder or disordered eating patterns. Reach out to them if you feel like they could help you:

Beat : https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/
National Centre For Eating Disorders: http://eating-disorders.org.uk/
S.E.E.D: http://www.seedeatingdisorders.org.uk/
Men Get Eating Disorders Too: http://mengetedstoo.co.uk/
And for my American listeners, NEDA: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
I'm sorry that I can't cover areas outside of the UK more in order to recommend more resources.

Please note, this podcast is intended to be general information for entertainment purposes only. Any figures quoted are correct at the time of recording. As always, please seek the support of a registered professional before making changes to your diet or lifestyle⁠, or if you feel that you are affected by any of the topics discussed.

Related Topics:

Intuitive Eating, HAES, Health At Every Size, Body Positivity, Body Confidence, Body Positive, Anti Diet, Non Diet, Diet Culture, Food Freedom, Fat Acceptance, Fat Liberation, Self Care, Weight Los

Transcript

Welcome to the intuitive eating and body positivity podcast. I'm Terri and I'll be talking about all things intuitive eating, body positivity and health at every size, and shaking off weight stigma, diet culture, and food rules so that we can all have a better relationship with food and our bodies.

Hello. Hi. Do you know what? This is quite the different recording setup this week. My husband's gone out. He's gone for some drinks with some friends so I am currently sat on the sofa in my front room. It is Friday night, I've got my pyjamas on. I've got a little vodka and lemonade, and I'm just here, just comfortable, chatting with you.

Usually I've got myself locked away in the bedroom haven't I with all the doors and windows firmly closed, hoping nobody wanders by the landing, outside the bedroom door. But it's quiet here tonight. Everybody's out except my son, but he lives in his bedroom, so, you know, he may as well be out the house. 

What's been happening this week, then? Not an awful lot, really. Not a great deal. Did you see over Christmas that I got myself a new instant pot. Because Christmas morning I decided what I was going to do was trip the electrics in the whole house, just pouring water straight into my old pressure cooker. I wasn't paying attention, forgot to put the pot in the machine, so just put the food in the tray, the tray in the machine, and then poured water on top of it. So water flooding everywhere, electrics went, and this was Christmas morning when I was trying to cook Christmas lunch. Whoops. 

So needless to say, because it's an electrical item and I poured water all over it, I was not going to use it again. So we invested in a new instant pot. Oh I got the one with the AirFryer lid on it as well. Very exciting. So I've been trying that I all week, this week. So we've had some really nice meals.

I've had some Curry and some pasta .Dishes did sausages in it just to see what would happen. It was good. It worked. But I'm a bit lost for recipes. So if you have any decent instant pot recipes, can you just send them my way on Instagram or Facebook? Can you send them over? Because I'd like to try some different stuff.

I need to rejig my meals and things every now and again. I like to mix the variety of food up. I'm not one of these people that can just eat the same thing week in week out. I need variety. So yes. Send me your favorite, instant pot recipes. Thank you so much. 

Hope you've had a good week. Hope you've settled into the new year now. Christmas feels like forever ago, doesn't it? It feels like months and months ago. It feels like I've been back at work forever. I mean, I haven't, obviously. It's only been a couple of weeks, but it's nice to have the normality back, isn't it. It's nice to have the routine back in. 

I remember last week, I was saying about how at Christmas, everything is everywhere. Food is everywhere. Routine out to the window. Well, it's nice to have that routine back. I find that really helps with eating habits. I find that having a regular pattern of eating, regular pattern of shopping for food, that sort of thing, it all contributes for me to having a better relationship with food.

Christmas it all just goes right out the window. But we've had a couple of weeks to settle back in now, haven't we? So I'm enjoying that really. 

I had a super lovely email from somebody this week. It's a listener. She's been listening for a little while and she's listened to episodes over and over again, which I love.

So if you don't do that and you're working on your relationship with food, I actually do recommend that you go back and listen to episodes again, because as this lady was saying, she's discovering more, each time she listened to an episode. 

So she'll listen to it, try and understand it, try and figure out how that applies to her, and then next time she'll come back and listen to it again. She'll hear different things, more things, things that she hadn't noticed the first time round. So, if you're working on your relationship with food, it's a great idea, actually, to go back and listen again to some of the episodes. Some of the ones that you think might help you to progress a little bit. Have a listen back. See if it sounds different to you the second time round.

Anyway, this lovely lady who I won't name because I haven't asked her permission, she was saying that she would like to know more about how to approach family or friends to talk about her eating disorder, and so I said, I would make that the topic of this week's episode. 

I'm so happy to do that, by the way, if you've got questions, if you've got things that you'd like me to talk about just send them over. I'm so happy to record episodes that are going to be useful to you.

So that's what I'm talking about this week. I'm talking about how you can talk to friends and family about your relationship with food. If you've got struggles with food, if you've got struggles with your body image, if you have an eating disorder, whether that's been diagnosed or not, it can be pretty scary thinking about opening up and talking to people around you. 

Sometimes it's easier not to talk about it. And then you're carrying around this great big weight on your shoulders, because that's how it feels isn't it. It's a big weight. It's a big burden. It's with you all the time.

From the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep, it's just all consuming. But if you can share that with somebody, if you can talk to somebody about it, it can massively help. 

Firstly, then you need to find somebody that you can trust, and I mean, really trust. We don't always have this automatic trust in our friends. It's just the way it is. There are people around us that we will talk to about general everyday life, but that we would not confide our darkest deepest secrets in, and that's kind of where you want to be on this when you're thinking, who can I talk to? 

Because you're in such a vulnerable place because you're in such a space where compassion and care is going to be of utmost importance for you you need to consider really carefully who you're going to talk to. That's not automatically the people closest near to you. That's not automatically your husband or wife, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your parents, your childhood best friend.

It's not automatically those people. Not everybody is right for the position of listening to you divulging this information. Choose somebody who is really kind and considerate. Choose somebody who is going to take care of your feelings, not somebody that's going to dismiss them and think, well, it's no big deal because this is a big deal for you. 

Try to choose somebody who is positive. What you want is somebody who's going to be taking this by the reins, supporting you, saying we've got this. You don't want somebody to listen to you talk about problems with eating, for them to turn around and go, oh no, this is terrible, what are we going to do now? The world has fallen apart. Oh God. And then turning it into a big old drama. Do you know what I mean? 

What you want is somebody who's going to say, okay, we've got this, what can we do next? Choose somebody who looks at the glass is half full, not half empty. You know, there's always those people around that are just generally a negative person. It's just what they are. Everything is a little bit negative. And then there's people in life that are naturally super positive. It's the positive person that you need right now. 

Choose somebody who's going to be constructive in their approach to this. You know, somebody who is going to be able to be rational about it, supportive, helpful, and a little bit logical about how they approach it.

If you have somebody around you that has had eating disorders in the past or issues around food in the past, issues around their body in the past, they might be a good person to go to. If they can empathize with you a little bit, you'll have more faith that they know what you're going through. 

So choose your confidant wisely. Choose the person who is going to really help. If you're considering somebody and you have doubts about telling them they're not the right person for this. 

Once you've decided who you're going to confide in, you can start by preparing for that meeting. This is a really emotional topic so you could potentially arrange to meet this person, sit down, and then you're so overcome with emotion that you just can't get the words out. Or you're so nervous , you're so anxious, that it just doesn't come out how you want it to be. 

You can't find the words. You don't really know how to explain how you feel. And it's really counterproductive because emotion just takes over and you can't really structure what you're saying properly. 

So prepare. Write notes, write an essay if you want to. Write down your thoughts and your feelings. Write down how long this has been troubling you. Write down the way that it troubles you. Write down what triggers you, what your reaction is. Get it all out, get it onto paper. And then if all else fails, when you come to talk to your chosen person and you can't physically say the words, you can give them the paper, you can ask them to read it.

But the intention is that you actually talked to them about it so having it all there in front of you can serve as prompts for the conversation. When you feel like you're losing your way, you don't know what to say next, if you've got it on paper in front of you it makes it easier to get back on track. 

Rehearse what you're going to say. There's nothing wrong with sitting with this piece of writing, sitting with these bullet points, whatever you've put down on paper, and rehearsing how you're going to bring this message across to somebody. 

This is all about you. It doesn't have to be perfect. Nobody's expecting you to perform some kind of perfect speech that gets all this out. It's perfectly normal to still stumble through it but what you want to do is give yourself a helping hand so that you are prepared. If preparing is rehearsing it, is running it over in your mind, is saying it in front of the mirror if you choose to, if all of that helps you on the actual day, then it's worth doing. 

I think as well that you have to be as honest as you can be in this conversation. Once you have the floor and they're listening, that is your time to explain to them everything that's going on for you. So tell them as much as you can. Tell them as much as you are comfortable with, but be honest so that they know what you're going through. Now is not the time to be covering up feelings and thoughts and giving them half a story.

If you are really struggling then you are, of course, welcome to stop. Don't force yourself to go through this traumatic experience of talking to somebody if you're really struggling, but if you're able to carry on while you've got the floor, while you've got their attention, give them the whole story, as much as you can. Then they'll have a fuller understanding of everything you're going through.

Once you've explained your situation and how you feel and what you're going through, explain to them how they can help, because that will be the next step after you've had that chat. They're not going to be there going oh great. Thanks. Nice to know. Lovely. See you tomorrow. And off they go. If they're the kind of caring person that you've chosen to talk to because of their caring nature, their next reaction is hopefully going to be one of, how can I help you?

So be prepared for that. Be prepared for that question and be ready to answer it. Or if they don't explicitly ask it, you can say to them, this is how I feel, this is my situation, now this is what I would like you to do to help me. 

After all that is the purpose of having this conversation. It's so that somebody else is aware of what you're going through and so you've got support. You've got somebody by your side who can help you when things are challenging you. So having an idea of how they can help, what they can do for you is going to be really helpful. 

Whether that's what they can do in a time of a binge or purge or something like that, or whether you want some help to seek services that you can access, so you just need their help with finding information for you. Whether you want them to accompany you to an appointment with a medical professional. Whatever it is, ask them for that help. 

So you're all prepared. You've chosen your person. You know what you're going to say. You've got an idea of what you're going to explain to them, and you've got an idea of how they can help you.

Now you're going to choose the where and when. You're going to want to choose a time and a place where you know you're not going to be interrupted. You want a nice calm setting. You want a time where there's not going to be interruptions and chaos. You don't want to do this when they're in the middle of cooking dinner and there's kids running around your feet and you just can't think straight.

You want a nice quiet time. Maybe an evening where you can just have a drink, have a chat and have a relaxed time. 

You want to allow enough time as well. You don't want to be doing it when you've got to be out the door in 10 minutes, because you need time to have the conversation and you need time to debrief after. You need time to appreciate what you've just been through and to relax for a bit.

 Set the time in advance as well. After you've chosen your person say to them, I'd really like to have a chat with you about something. Can I please get some time with you? And then ask them to set a time with you. Ask them for a day and a time and a place where you can have a confidential chat with them. A nice personal chat. 

Say you'd like to confide in them about something and you'd like to do it when there's not going to be any interruptions and then you can pick a time between you the works for you both. 

It's going to be difficult okay. We can't take away the fact that this is a really emotional topic. You're talking about something super personal to yourself. It is going to be difficult. You're probably going to be quite nervous when you go and meet them to have this conversation. They are going to be wondering what you want to talk about. Your going to be psyched up for it because you know, you've set this time and this date and, oh my goodness, now you've got to have this big chat, and all of a sudden it's something big, but try and be calm. You've chosen this person for a reason. So you're hoping they're going to be responsive to this conversation. 

Remember, this person will just want to be there to listen. They'll want to be there for you. So go in, try to stay calm, try to be as relaxed as you can.

It's okay to be upset. It is absolutely okay to be emotional because all that's going to do is show the other person that this really is a big deal for you. You don't have to apologize for being upset. You don't have to apologize if you end up in tears or if you can't quite make it through what you want to say. It's perfectly normal because this is a big deal.

If you're really struggling, give them the piece of paper. Give them the stuff that you've written and ask them to read it. It's so much easier sometimes isn't it, because you don't have to actually say the words. And that is half the battle. Actually getting those words out of your mouth is a real mission sometimes.

So maybe if they can read the words and then they can start the conversation after that's another way to approach it. They can read it, and then they say, I didn't know, you were feeling like this. Or maybe they even had an idea. Maybe they have already noticed. Maybe they've already picked up that there wasn't something quite right.

You see, when we are going through these things, we think we're being very clever, don't we. We think that nobody will notice what we're doing. We think that our behaviors are very secretive, but actually people around do know. They do notice. They do pick up on things. 

So actually the person you're talking to may just appreciate the fact that you are finally said something or you finally given them a chance to have a conversation with you. Maybe they've been wondering how to raise it with you, and now you've given them that opportunity to talk about it. Maybe they'll appreciate that you've asked them to be involved. Maybe they'll really, really appreciate that, and they'll be happy to help you. 

If you have a plan of what you'd like to do going forward, then tell them. Tell them what your intentions are. If you don't have a plan, then that's fine too. You can just say to them, this is my situation. I don't know what to do now. Don't know where to go next. Don't know who to ask for help and ask them to help you because that will then be the natural next step. 

You will have explained to them how you're feeling and then they can help you and support you going forward. If you have information already and if you're already started looking for treatments, for support services, for any kind of information around what you're going through, it can be helpful to have some of that at the ready.

It can be helpful to have leaflets printouts, or even if you're like me and you like digital stuff, have bookmarks and things that you can just email them or share with them somehow, that can be really helpful because you can say, maybe I haven't got my words across right but here's some information on what I'm going through. Here's some information on my eating disorder. Here's some information on what I'd like to do going forward. So if you've got information at the ready, just give it to them, let them take it, let them read it. Let them absorb. 

Now we also have to accept that as much as we would love this conversation to be the dream conversation and, you know, everybody goes off, skipping down the road into the sunset happily ever after, sometimes it doesn't work out like that, and sometimes you can get the reaction that you're not expecting from a person. If that happens. There's a few things to remember. 

Firstly, that's not your fault, okay. If they react badly, for some reason, it's not your fault and that's not your burden to carry. What's more likely is that they're shocked or they're upset for you, or maybe they're confused about the situation. They just don't understand it. 

I mean eating disorders make us do some crazy things, don't they. They make us do some crazy actions that we wouldn't think of doing if we didn't have these issues around food and issues around our body. That can be really hard for some people to understand. So they might just be confused why you're doing the things you're doing. 

That's not to say that you should have the reasoning for why you're doing what you're doing, you don't have to feel that you have to provide them with the explanations. 

Also, you've been living in this situation for some time. You've had a whole heap of time to try and come to terms with it, and this is the first time they're here, so give them a little bit of time. Let them absorb it, and then maybe you can come back to it. 

Maybe you need to say, look, just take what I've said, let it sink in and let's come back to it another day. And don't feel bad that that's the way it's been left. That's not a closed door. You can pick this up again. You just need to give them some time to absorb it all. 

Also, these people are not professionals. They're not people in the know about this situation. You are living it and you will know more about it. People like myself, people like healthcare professionals and eating disorder charities, these people have all got experience and knowledge and have been working in the field for years. The people you're talking to, if they don't have any kind of information around that in their day to day lives, it can be quite a big deal for them to try and take in and understand. 

So, if it does come about that, you don't get the positive response that you're looking for, just know that that's not necessarily the end of the conversation. For many, many, many people though, they get a great response from the people when they've chosen carefully, who they're going to confide in.

Also sometimes people, meanwell, don't they, and their message just comes across wrong. Don't you find that? I'm sure you've done that yourself. At some point you said something to somebody and they've taken it the way that you did not intend it and you've ended up going no, no, no, no, I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it like that.

Well, of course there's the possibility that something like that might happen and you know, the message that they are trying to convey is also not coming across the way that they want it to be conveyed. On the whole though, I am sure that you'll find that the reaction is actually more supportive than not supportive.

You will be amazed at the relief that comes from talking to somebody. So good luck. Get yourself prepared, go through all those steps of really preparing for the meeting before you even got to it, and I wish you the very, very best of luck. 

Be brave. It's a really brave thing to do actually. Don't underestimate how difficult this is. I'm really, really rooting for you. 

I am also going to put some links in the show notes to some places you can go to that are professional support, and I'm going to put them there because I know that not everybody has somebody that they can confide in, or they try to confide in them and it doesn't really go to plan.

There are always charities and healthcare professionals around that can help you, that you can talk to, and that you can have that conversation with. Sometimes it's easier talking to a stranger, isn't it? Sometimes it's easier to talk to somebody that we don't know before we even talk to our family and friends, so you can also use them for that. 

There's a great charity called Beat. I'll put the link in the show notes. I know that they give great support to eating disorder sufferers and people who suffer with disordered eating. You can get support with your disorder, you can also get support with talking to your friends and family, but also they do provide a support for the friends and family.

So once you've divulged that to them and they are in the midst of this with you, there is also support there for them, so that might be worth putting in the mix when you're talking to them. There is somebody there that they can also talk to that can help them to help you. 

Good luck. You'll do amazing. Be brave and be really super proud of yourself.

To my lovely listener who emailed in, I really hope that that helps you. I really hope that that helped and answered your questions. For all you other lovely listeners, if you've got questions you want me to answer just send them on over. I'm happy to do these things for you. 

I'm now off to watch some really trashy TV. I'm going to watch the sort of stuff that I can't watch when my husband is here, because he would be sat taking the mick out of it. You know, Real Housewives and all the rubbish like that. I mean, we all know it's not great TV, don't we, but at the same time, it's great TV right. 

Actually, what I might watch is The Apprentice, because I haven't seen the start of that yet. I've seen some less than positive press on it so far. So that is it. That's what I'm going to watch. I'm going to catch up on The Apprentice, and I'm going to leave you to do whatever you're doing. 

Have a fabulous week. Look after yourself. Don't forget that you are absolutely incredible. The world is lucky to have you in it.

Take care. I'll speak to you next week. Bye-bye .