129. People don't like it when you change

Hey everyone, welcome to Episode 129 of our podcast, “People Don't Like Change.” 

In this episode I am tackling a pretty big topic, how people change towards us as we start to change our attitude towards our bodies and food. As we change and become our genuine, body positive, intuitive eating self we often hear comments from people around us that make us question their friendship. So this week we’re talking about staying strong amid the negativity, breaking down those comments, and really focusing on what's best for our own well-being, and I'm talking about why the harsh things people might say about our bodies or food choices often say more about them than us. 

I will also take us through some changes happening right here on the podcast - goodbye to our less active Facebook group and hello to our cool new texting feature! Plus, we'll dive into how being part of a supportive group, whether it's online or in person, can totally transform our journey towards loving ourselves just as we are. 

I've even got some personal shares, like updating my office space, and the amazing well wishes received from you lovely lot after my sad news last week. 

So, grab your favourite snack, settle in, and let’s get into it.

Get 'Eat From Within - The 3 Steps To Food Freedom' course totally free!

Chapters

• 0:00 Running a Facebook group is exhausting and underused.
• 5:07 Embracing change to improve self and outlook.
• 7:40 Friends and family question your clothes and eating.
• 11:40 Standing firm in self-commitment plants seeds of change.
• 15:54 Handling negativity gracefully.
• 22:14 Help others with positive feedback and reframing.
• 27:22 Loss reflections
• 29:13 Don't let others diminish your self-worth.
• 32:46 Empathy brings healing and support in groups.
• 35:35 Creepy, but I'll be your friend.

Transcript

0:09

Welcome to the intuitive eating and Body Positivity podcast. I'm Terri and I'll be talking about all things intuitive eating, body positivity and health at every size and shaking off weight, stigma, diet, culture and food rules so that we can all have a better relationship with food and our bodies. Hello. Happy bank holiday. If you're here in the UK with me, it's bank holiday today. The sun is shining. Isn't that lovely? Makes a change. Can I please say thank you for all the lovely messages that you sent me? I've had some really sweet messages this week after I told you the story about Tilly last week. So that was really kind of you. Thank you very, very much. It really does make a difference. You know, I do love hearing from you and hearing your feedback and little comments like that. When I say something's happened to me in my personal life, it means there's somebody out there listening, which is, um, which is nice. It's really nice. There is a new feature on my podcast hosting platform. It is a feature where you can text the show, right? So if you go to the show notes, you will see a little link that says text the show or something like that. I can't remember what I've got it set to, but there is a little link, you'll see it and you can click that link and text me and I will get it. I haven't tested it yet, so I'm not sure how it works. Please go ahead, test it. Just let me know that it works. But yeah, give it a go. Send me a message. That is another way you can get in touch with me. All of these methods. Awesome. Right? Right. What else has happened this week? So, nothing particularly dramatic or exciting in our household, which is good because there's been far too much of that going on lately. Just nothing really, which is nice business wise. Made the decision to close the Facebook group this weekend. Did you see that? Are you in there or were you in there? Made the decision to archive the group. So you'll probably still see it on your list of Facebook groups. You'll be able to go in there. You won't be able to do anything when you're in there, though. The thing is, let me tell you about running a Facebook group. It is exhausting, to say the least. It's really quite time consuming from my perspective. And so when I've got to come up with things to post in there, when I've got to think of topics for you guys to chat about, when I've got to make sure that everybody's happy in there when I've got to respond to your comments. I mean, that is part and parcel of having a group. So I'm not complaining about that at all. But the problem is, it just isn't getting used. The group is just not getting used. And I wanted it to be a space where everybody went in, found some like minded people, chatted between themselves, supported each other, and it just hasn't happened. So I'm just getting the vibe that you are not really wanting a Facebook group, which is absolutely fine. Absolutely fine. Because it saves me the work. If you were in there and loving it and the group was thriving, I would keep it going and I'd get involved and I'd make sure that everybody was happy in there and I'd, you know, keep it alive. But there's just nothing. It's just me and some tumbleweed rolling on by. There are the odd couple of people in there that are lovely, that will post all the time, will comment regularly, will welcome new members, will post things for themselves. And it's people like that that I wanted the group for. So if you do want it back, you are going to have to message me. You are going to have to beg me for this group back. You're going to have to either click that text me link or you're going to have to go to the WhatsApp me link in the show notes and you're going to have to send me a message. Because if you don't want it, awesome. If you do want it, I'll bring it back. But only if enough people really want it and are going to use it. Does that make sense? So if you desperately want that Facebook group back and the masses are calling for it, then I'll bring it back. It's not deleted, it's just archived. So, yeah, balls in your court. Whatever you want, my loves. Whatever you want. Not whatever you want. That would be daft for me to offer that. That would be crazy and impossible. Right? Let's talk about people. Let's talk about people. People don't like change, do they? They don't like change. And when it's you changing and they're close to you, it makes people wobble. Because when we begin this journey that we're on, you know, this self discovery, transformation, changing the way we are, changing the way we value ourselves, you know, everything that intuitive eating, embodied positivity is, you welcome that change into your life. You want better for yourself. You decide that you are not going to settle for everything you've settled for any longer, you're going to change it, things are going to be better. Well, these changes, they're about stepping outside of your comfort zone, right? They're stepping out of the dieting, trying to lose weight, all that stuff you've always just lived in. And it might be one big moment that triggers that change for you, or it might be lots of little enough is enough moments. But the ladies that I work with especially will find that recognizing these moments becomes opportunities rather than hurdles. You know, they become these moments where you decide you want better. And it's got a particular feeling to it. I think it's like a shift, a mindset, change. And all of a sudden you're geared towards this positivity and this openness for what's about to come. And there's a real power in that. And it's not just about changing habits, it's about reshaping your relationship with your body, how you choose to nourish it, how you choose to take care of it, how you respect it. It's about having self compassion, it's about understanding yourself. So when you're doing all of that and it feels so positive, what happens then when you come up against someone who does not like these changes that they're seeing in you? Because on the whole, people don't like change, do they? Right. You get this resistance, you get this pushback. You're living your very best body confidence and intuitive eating self. And around you, you now have a select one or two people that are just kicking back against this. It's almost like you're developing your self confidence and choosing to be happy in your own skin. And these people are seeing it as some kind of a threat. Yeah. And this might show up in different forms, so maybe it'll be a friend questioning your clothes choices as you start wearing more colorful clothes and you step away from that traditional, you know, the slimming black that you've always worn, and you start wearing these colourful clothes and loving finding clothes again, even if you're like me and you don't really love finding clothes, it's just refreshing, isn't it, to be able to wear clothes that fit you, to be able to wear different styles of clothes, to try things. It's a bit of an experiment, isn't it? When you start shopping for clothes again and your friends might start questioning your choices of clothes, they might also be keen to tell you how good their slimming club is, you know, because you've left them there. Remember, friend, that you went to the slimming club with they're still there, they're still dieting. And now all of a sudden they're going to tell you how much weight they are still losing. They are going to tell you that that club is the best thing since sliced bread. And it's almost like they're just trying to encourage you to come back, isn't it? Maybe your family starts making unnecessary comments about your eating habits. Maybe they start commenting on how much food you have on your plate or how much you're eating. Or maybe they're going to really ramp up the conversation about diets in the hope that you'll take the hint. And why, oh, why, do the people closest to you think it's okay to make comments about your weight gain? Don't you find that people nearest to you think that it's okay to comment? It's mad. I don't know why. Colleagues as well, at work, they're very quick to pass judgment, aren't they? On your lunch choices, for example. No salad today, Terri? Nope. Because I don't fancy it. Intuitively, I don't want to eat salad today. Another day I might. Quite often these comments can be directed at themselves too, but really they're directed at you. So things like, oh, I couldn't possibly have a doughnut, I'd have to go to the gym, and I don't have time to do that today, or something similar. See what I mean? Something that they direct at themselves, but what they're actually saying is, hmm, interesting choice of food you've got there. And it can feel tough, right? Like you're swimming against the tide. It's not really about you, though. It's more about them. It's about their own insecurities. It's about their beliefs around food and their body. They are still deep in those societal beliefs that they've internalized about their bodies or about what bodies in general and dieting and health should look like. It's as if by choosing a path of self acceptance and getting rid of diet culture, you're holding up a mirror that reflects back to them their biases, their unresolved struggles. You know, it's like they're annoyed that you're suddenly free from all that stuff and they're not. So the resistance isn't really about you. It's about them confronting their uncomfortable truths within themselves. You have to remember that our society has long equated thinness with worthiness, with health and moral superiority. It's a big word, isn't it? It's a big word for a bank holiday Monday. So when you step away from the norms, when you start moving away from that in favour of listening to your own body, it can challenge other people's views and it prompts these kind of defensive reactions. Yeah, but here's the thing. Every time you stand firm in your commitment to yourself, every time you challenge those biases, you're not only advocating for your own well being, but you're also planting the seeds of change in how others perceive body positivity and how others view eating habits and intuitive eating. Now, I know it's easy for me, from my perspective, in my experience, to be able to say their comments don't matter, they don't affect you or they shouldn't affect you, but I know that they do. So I'm here for you. You know, I get it. It's really easy to overlook your progress when people are commenting like that, especially when you're faced with challenges that the people closest to you make. I mean, you can brush off a comment from a stranger, right? But when it's somebody nearer to you, when that seems to hit a little bit differently, and also, you might be getting it more often from people closer to you. So it can be really hard, if you're hearing all the time from these people, to overlook. Not overlook. It can be hard to appreciate what you've done so far. You overlook the progress. It can really put a real dampener on how you feel about yourself and your progress. And so it's really important to remember the direction that you're moving in. The wins that you've had for yourself so far, that's really important. And it doesn't matter how big or small those wins are, right? Whether you've managed to listen to your hunger cues today, or maybe you found a moment of joy in some movement without thinking about your body, without changing or wanting to change your body. You know, you're just moving because you enjoy it. You're not moving it for any other reason. Those are milestones that really deserve a cheer. They're things that deserve celebrating. And yes, it would be really great if people would cheer you on at the same time. But given that people don't like change, you might have to not worry about them for a little while and give yourself that focus, because you're not here for their validation. You're here for your own well being. You're here for your own body positivity. And it would be nice if people would support you at the same time. But if they're not, the most important thing is you right now. You need to be the focus. So these challenges, they might feel like big obstacles, but actually you can see them as little opportunities in disguise. That's how you need to view them. They allow you to dig deeper into your resilience. They force you to discover strength that you never knew you had. You get to celebrate yourself for showing up every day and choosing actions that align with your kindness towards your body and your kindness towards your mind. You know, your mental health. You're refusing these diets that don't serve you anymore. You are pushing back against those unrealistic beauty standards that we're always fighting against. And you're creating this space for more self love and more acceptance in your life. But how do we handle it? How do we handle it gracefully at that? There are lots of ways that you might deal with negativity from others. If you're anything like me, you love a bit of sarcasm. You like to throw a witty remark at some people and stop them dead in their tracks. There are a lot of ways to deal with the negativity from other people, and it does depend on a lot of factors, like what is appropriate for the time and place you're in. Who are you dealing with? Are you dealing with a close friend? Are you dealing with an elderly relative? Are you dealing with a person in a position of importance where you work? None of these people have got the right to comment, but you may need to just adjust the conversation to suit them, to suit who they are. And I've actually found one very powerful strategy that works with all of these people, and that is to approach feedback, let's call it feedback from them, shall we? Approach it with curiosity rather than defensiveness, because it'd be really easy to go, and who are you to talk about what's on my plate, you know, and get angry about it, and then before you know it, you've had this big fallout and they're going, ooh, touchy, you bit touchy today. Do you need. Do you need a cake or something? You know, all the. All the comments that come back when you stand up for yourself in a really defensive manner. Instead, opening up a conversation with them about why they made that comment can lead to some very interesting results. So you can ask questions to understand the perspective that they're offering you, and it can help you then to confidently explain your position, to explain why their comment was inappropriate, and then maybe in future, they won't be so quick to judge. So this approach, it doesn't only soften the blow for yourself, but it can uncover what should we call them insights? Opportunities for helping the other person to understand where they've gone wrong, what they've done wrong, what they've said wrong? It can start with something as simple as, oh, why'd you say that? That comment alone could either promote a response of, oh, I was only asking. Or it might promote a conversation along the lines of, well, I thought you were on a diet. I didn't think that that was allowed on your diet. And then you go into the conversation about, well, actually, I'm not dieting anymore. This is what I'm doing for myself now. This is how I respect my body now, there's lots of different avenues that this conversation could go down, but just allowing the opportunity for that conversation to happen could really lead into some great further conversation. It allows you to then explain to them about intuitive eating, about body confidence, about your approach to food. Now, if you want to, of course. I mean, there's no saying you have to, but there's a really good opportunity here to take the focus off yourself and put it onto the method of eating or put it onto them and their assumptions. So all of a sudden, a comment like, second piece of cake, Terri, that comment could provoke from me a, yeah, and I'll have another one if I want one, thanks. Or if it could. Or it could mean that I could reply with something like, yeah, do you know what? It's mid afternoon, and I know that my body tells me that it needs some energy, it needs some sugar, it needs something to give it a bit of a pep up. And so I'm just gonna. Just gonna go with that and give it what it needs. Interesting. Why did you say two pieces of cake? Like, that's something, that's a bad thing, and then the conversation can go on from there. Do you see what I mean? So it doesn't have to be confrontational. It can just be. It can just be a conversation. Just can be a conversation. Now, as a side note here, you are never obligated to educate somebody on this topic, but I am a firm believer that we should advocate for ourselves and we should spread the word around body confidence and intuitive eating if we want the world to move away from the whole diet culture rubbish that we're trying to escape from. So it's not your job to teach others. But if we don't educate them, who do they learn from? Where are they going to learn from? If we don't speak up and be an advocate for what we believe in, a dieter speaks up for what they believe in, a dieter will talk about their diet all day long if you let them. That's boring, isn't it? But this becomes something that people might be interested in. Intuitive eating. What's that? I've never heard of that before. Open a conversation. Body confidence work. Open a conversation. You know, there is. There's all kinds of places that this can go. So it's not your job to educate them. But if we don't teach them, if we don't educate them, if we don't inform them, who do they get the information from? Do they just continue to have the thoughts and beliefs that they have now? Maya Angelou said, do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. So maybe those people don't know that they're wrong. How can they ever be better and do better if there's no one showing them how to do that? Do you see what I mean? So can you help be that voice? Maybe you're not in the position to do that right now, and that's absolutely fine, but if you can, then do, that would be great. Another tactic involves taking a moment to reframe the comment for yourself within the context of your. Your own kind of self improvement and body confidence journey. So remember, every bit of criticism, not a verdict on your worth, okay? So when a friend tells you that they are, quote unquote, worried for your health because of your food choices or because of your weight, now you can actually reframe that as something more like, I've been told that this is unhealthy and I'm concerned for you as my friend. Or maybe that comment even means something like, I wish I could be so confident in myself that I didn't care about my diet, too. Do you see what I mean? So that initial comment of, I'm worried about your health because of your food choices, or I'm worried about your health because of your weight could also be, I wish that was me. I wish I had that confidence. I have been told, this is unhealthy and I'm worried about you, but I don't know any different. You know, unless they're being outright cruel or intentionally nasty, I'm willing to bet that their comments actually are either out of genuine concern for you or because they're unhappy in themselves. So you can take what serves you from the comments and you can leave what doesn't. You have to kind of learn to sift through them, and that'll allow you to find the little golden nuggets of truth that can help move you forward without all the unhelpful noise derailing your progress, you know, or shaking where you're at at the moment. But do set boundaries with these people. You can do that with compassion. And that begins with understanding that saying no to situations or no to behaviors that don't serve you is actually an act of self kindness, self love, protecting yourself, respecting yourself. Think of it like this. Think of it as caring for your garden. Go with me. Go with me. I'm not a gardener, so I don't know why I'm using this analogy. But, you know, let's go with it. You wouldn't just let anything grow all wild and untamed in your garden of beautiful flowers. You know, if you're a real horticulturist, is that the word? You know, if you're a person that really looks after your garden, has spent long, long time looking after the borders, growing the beautiful flowers, would you then let all these weeds and things grow just willy nilly here and there, wild and free to ruin your flowers? No. In the same way, pruning back. Do you like this? Pruning back. The expectations and the demands of others creates that space for the happiness to grow. So if you look after that garden and you do the weeding, then the beautiful flowers can grow. They've got the space to grow. If you cut back on the comments that you allow, if you cut back on the expectations, and no, not cut back on the expectations, but if you set clear the expectations of others that creates that space, it's digging out those weeds. It's allowing your happiness to grow. So you need to firmly communicate your needs. Ask people to respect your limits. Let them know what is and isn't acceptable to you. You know, you're not just here to take everybody's comments, no matter what they are. You are not a sounding board for other people's negative opinions, right? That's not what you're there for. So set your limits. Let people know what's not acceptable. A conversation about your new approach may be welcome, but judgments and rude comments are not. Decide what's acceptable for you and then enforce that. And you can do it with kindness. It doesn't need to be confrontational at all, but start drawing the line. You know, there are certain limits as to what you should and should not accept from people in your life. Now, you might lose friends as you make these positive changes. I have. People have slipped away from me through this. It's just life, right? It's a common phenomenon. As you grow, as you evolve, as you make positive changes in your life. Some friendships naturally drift apart. It's just the way it is. It's just that this feels different because it's driven by a subject that's so very personal. Because it's you, it's your body, it's how you feel about yourself and that can be hard to deal with. But have a look back at your life. Think back right now through your life. Are there people that are not there now that once upon a time were so by this I mean, I have got numerous school friends that at a point in time were my best friends. You know, primary school I had a best friend. Early secondary school, I had another best friend. A little bit later in secondary school, I had another best friend. You know, and those three people that I can think of off the top of my head, we don't socialize at all. Now, there might be the odd Facebook message that's about it. And that's only in passing. That's not an intentional, oh, I must drop them a message. And it's not that we fell out. We didn't fall out. There was no big drama. It's just life changed and we drifted in different directions. And it's not a negative drift, it's just the way that life progressed for us. And so as you prioritize your well being and your happiness through intuitive eating through your body, confidence, work, some friends might struggle to understand and support that. To them it might seem like you are a different person. You're not. You're becoming your authentic self. You're letting the real you out. And maybe they don't like that. Maybe they just don't get it, maybe they don't understand it, maybe they want it for themselves and they don't think they can. And so they're jealous. But whatever it is, it doesn't diminish your worth, your progress that you've made. It can be challenging, right? It can be really upsetting if it feels like people that closest to you are slipping away. But you have to prioritise yourself because what is the alternative in this situation? Going back to dieting? Shrinking your personality to please them because they're upset about it? I truly believe that people are here in our lives for a reason. A season or a lifetime. I might have said this before on here, I don't know, but I definitely think that that is true. Some people come into your life to show you something to help you grow, to teach you a lesson, to help you develop somehow. You know, I think some people come into our lives and they're just there for a reason, to show you something. Some people will be there for a period of time, and then they'll just drift away, you know, no biggie. They come in, you have a nice time, they leave, and some will be steadfast and always be around no matter what. People just fall into one of those three categories, I'm sure of it. I also think that it opens the doors for new connections to this kind of change, connections that align with your values and goals. And you can embrace this transition as an opportunity to surround yourself with individuals who uplift you, inspire you, support your journey. Also believe in self acceptance, self love, kindness, a more intuitive way, body confidence, all of that sort of thing. And it's not an easy road for most people. So surrounding yourself with a community like that, it's like having this soft cushion around you. It's just warm and fuzzy and lovely. Not cushion, maybe a blanket. But it's really important to find spaces and people who uplift your spirit like that, who understand your struggles, who cheer you on, you know, they support your victories, because maybe this is the other thing with those friends and family that are commenting. Maybe they don't understand your struggles. Maybe they don't understand what it's like to battle with food, to battle with your body. Maybe they don't understand how big a deal these victories that you're feeling are. And that's what you need to find for yourself, is a community of people who can echo that positivity for you, remind you you're not on your own. Creating groups, joining in with groups where your feelings and your experiences are validated, that can massively impact on your progress. Massively. There is lots of research out there on group work and the effect it has on people's progress. And without a doubt, groups can either be the most detrimental thing or the most encouraging thing. And oh, God, imagine sharing your story and hearing this chorus of, oh, me too, me too. I understand. Yeah, I did that. I've been there. Or receiving tips in that moment that they just feel tailor made for you, you know, that connection that creates healing. Empathy creates healing. And so not only are you going to draw the strength from others, but also you're going to give that back. You're going to give it back to other people. There might be somebody who comes into the group that's new after you've been there a while, and you can support them in the same way that you needed the support, but there's always going to be other people in the group further ahead than you that you can draw on their experience from, you know, there's something really special with being part of a really good group. Obviously my membership can do that for you. There's loads of different levels of membership available. Each one comes with this lovely group of women at live sessions each month and a WhatsApp community. The from within membership now has a WhatsApp community, so you can all chat between sessions as well. It's just lovely. So have a look at the show notes, go to the link in the show notes, go and have a look at the membership. Like I said, there's. Well, there's currently, at the time of recording three different levels to the membership depending on what you want from it and financially, what you can manage as well, you know. So go have a look. If you need that support around you, if you want that group of women around you, then go, go join the membership. It's really lovely. Really. So good. And, yeah, that is it. That is all I have to say on the matter today. That's what I've got to say. It's quite sad, isn't it, when you think of friends falling away. But over the time, through my experiences, friends have come and go. It's sad at the time. Sometimes it's been absolutely bloody heartbreaking, I tell you. I have had the people that have come and gone with no drama, and I've also had those heartbreaking, devastating friendship losses where your friendship has gone by the wayside and it is absolutely soul destroying for you. But again, you know, these things are. They're set to try us. They make us stronger, they teach us a lesson, they make space for other people. You know, whatever the reason is, you do get through it and I think you forge stronger relationships for it and you will forge stronger, but also more aligned, genuine friendships with people. If you are not always trying to be somebody else to fit in, you know, should never have to fit in, should never have to change yourself to be a part of somebody's life. So I hope you enjoyed that. I hope that gave some context to some things for you. But I'm always here. I'll be your friend. It's a little bit weird and creepy, isn't it? I'll be your friend. Oh, God. Anyway, moving on, moving on, right. I hope you have a lovely week. I hope you have a really lovely week ahead. I don't know what's planned for me this week yet. I'm going to do some wallpapering, my new office. You know, the office I talked about last week. I'm going to wallpaper that today. So I'm going to get on with that. Love you and leave you. I'll speak to you next week. Bye.