161. Why am I jealous of someone else’s food control?

You're out for food with someone and they order the salad, skip dessert, and say they’re “just not hungry,” and suddenly you’re left wondering why you can’t seem to do that. The jealousy creeps in, along with a whole load of guilt and self-doubt.

In this episode, I'm unpacking the messy, very human experience of feeling envious of someone else’s eating habits. From the illusion of control to the dream of being someone who “just doesn’t think about food,” I'm going there.

I'll explore why that envy shows up, what it’s really about, and how to move towards your own version of food peace.

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Transcript

1:17

Welcome to the Intuitive Eating and Body Positivity podcast. I'm Terri and I'll be talking about all things intuitive eating, body positivity, and health for every size. And shaking off weight stigma, diet, culture, and food rules so that we can all have a better relationship with food and our bodies. What the f rickety bonk has been going on with the weather? It's been mad heatwave here. It's been so hot. So, so hot. I know we've had this conversation before. I know it's not as hot here as it gets in other parts of the world. I know. I know that here in the UK we are not geared up for this. And don't for a minute think I'm moaning because I'm not. I love the heat. You know, I love the heat, but my goodness, it's been hot. I'm so excited. I love it. I love summer. I love the sun. But also we are having a little bit of a dip, so it's a little bit cooler at the same time. It's a bit mad, isn't it? The way the weather just goes up and down. We're going away this weekend for a festival. By the time you listen to this, we'll have been, I'll update you now next week, but I'm watching the weather and all through this week. It's been hot, hot, hot. Cooler, cooler, cooler, torrential rain and thunderstorms. Hot, hot, hot. What is that all about? Ain't no one got no time for that. Just give me some consistent weather, please. Also, I was gonna ask you to do a little Sundance for me for the festival, but it'll be too late by the time you have listened to this. So anyway, I'm going to do my own little Sundance and just hope that the weather holds for this weekend. It's gonna be so good. And I've been to this thing many times. I go every year. It's always better when it's sunny, so that would be nice, wouldn't it? Do you wanna know what it is? It's called classic IBI A, and it is basically ibi, a late nineties kind of dance music, that sort of stuff. But it's performed by an orchestra and by live singers. It sounds a little bit mad. It is brilliant. The first year we went, I. I didn't have my doubts. I just didn't know that it was gonna be as awesome as it is. And this thing sells out every year, every venue. It is so good. So good. So if you went, then let me know and we'll just see if we were at the same one next year, I'm gonna tell you in advance, and then maybe we could arrange a little meetup. Oh, maybe we could have a little, a little minute. Not even a meetup, maybe. Maybe we could just have a little minute where we say, I'll meet you by the glitter tent. But if you've been, if you've been to this, let me know. Let me know if you think it's as brilliant as I think it is. So that's what, uh, that's what I'm doing this weekend. So I'm currently getting stuff ready, getting me festival gear ready. We are like pro festival goers now. The first year we went, we lugged our food and our drinks and our. Chairs, you know, 'cause you gotta go, you gotta go take chairs with you, haven't you? So we lugged our chairs up the long driveway to this place because this event is always held in stately homes in the grounds of stately homes. And you know what these places are like? They are massive and they've always got really long driveways. So we get dropped off by the taxi, unload all our gear, and then we had to lug it up. What must have been. A mile or two of driveway that's no fun in the heat. Well, it's no fun anyway. I don't wanna carry stuff. It's not what I was built for. I don't wanna carry stuff. Do you not know who I am? I don't carry stuff darling. Uh, but I certainly don't wanna be lugging stuff up a very long driveway to a festival. And these people, these people. Who knew better than we did turned up with trolleys. Mm-hmm. Why did I not think of that next year? I thought of that. Next year we went with a trolley. Game changer. Absolute game changer. Wheeled the stuff up the driveway, chairs, food, drinks the lot this year. Gone one step further. Got the trolley, got the food, got the drinks. Got the chairs, but this year we also have tables. Yip. Yep. Not any old table but little canvassy type folding tables. You know the material that folding chairs are made out of that to make a table got cup holders in it and everything. It's absolute work of genius. So. Mm-hmm. We are now pro festival goers. The only downside is that the end of this thing, we have to get a taxi to the hotel and we have to get a taxi because the grounds of this place are in the middle of nowhere. Stately homes are not in the middle of housing estates, are they? So we have to get a taxi back and Oh my God. Have you ever got a taxi back from an event like this? I would like to say it's bedlam. It's not, it's very, very well organized. These festivals have got it nailed. They know how to organize taxi ranks at the end of the night. They know how to make sure people can get to their taxis. It's the cost, though. It's the cost. It's gonna be so expensive. But we are sharing it with a few other people, but, but still. Still, it is worth it because it's so brilliant and I love it so much. Report to follow. Now, you know when you've been out for lunch and you are eyeing up the menu, trying to decide, do you have the burger or the fish and chips, do you have the lasagna or the steak and all the trimmings, and then someone at the table says. Oh, I'll just have a starter. I'm not really very hungry. And then all of a sudden you feel this weird mix of emotions because now your decision is different. That's what I'm talking about today. The weird jealousy of somebody else's food control. It's not the starter itself that gets you, it's not the meal that they've chosen that gets you, it's what it represents. Let's be honest, most of us have been there, right? You push away the bread basket because everyone else has stopped eating it. Even though you want more, everybody else says, oh no, I'm not gonna have any more bread'cause it'll fill me up and I won't be able to eat my Maine. And then you are like, oh yeah, me too. And you don't eat anymore bread or you finish eating and then somebody says, oh no, not for me. Thanks. Politely declined dessert. The waiter or the waitress comes over and said, would you like the dessert menu? And the whole table is going, oh, not really. No, no, no. And you're like, yes, please. I want the dessert menu. They're having a glass of water. You wanna have a cocktail. And you then start thinking, why can't I be like that? Why can't I be that disciplined? And this is the answer you often give yourself sometimes without even realizing it actually, you think I'm not disciplined enough. I have no willpower. I always give in. They are stronger than me, and that envy that jealousy. It can hit you quite hard because it's poking at something deeper. Part of you that's still measuring how in control you feel around food, or maybe you live with somebody with no food issues, they can eat what they like. They have no hangups around food, eat what they want and it's no big deal. They can just eat a little bit and that's enough for them. And you feel that their appetite. Is less than yours. You have a bigger appetite than theirs, even though maybe they're male and you are female and it should be the other way round, right? The male should always have the bigger appetite, right? I quite often look at my husband and wish I could be like him around food, not a care in the world. Food just does not matter to him. The extent of his caring about food is. Does he have some sausages to have for breakfast on a Saturday morning? That's it. Food just doesn't matter to him. In fact, he can actually go all day without eating and it wouldn't bother him, not in the slightest. If he's had a day at work, he comes home, he's hungry, he wants a meal, but on the whole, he's just not bothered. He just doesn't think about eating. And don't get me wrong, that's not a healthy approach to food either, but you get what I mean. Right. But here's what we're actually jealous of. It's not the salad, it's not the skip dessert, it's the control. We assume that that other person has got a really peaceful, effortless relationship with food, that they don't battle with cravings, that they don't think about food constantly or feel regret after eating, but we do not see what's going on in their head. They might be starving. They might be mentally calculating calories or more macros or how it's gonna fit into the diet. Planning, how to earn their dinner later through some exercise they might be doing, what they think they should be doing and not what they actually want to be doing. Maybe they're looking at you going, I would love to just order what I want off this menu. I'm so jealous of her. She just eats what she wants and I wish I could be like that. Externally, what they have looks like control, but it, it might be controlled, but not in the way that it should be, if you know what I mean. Control is not a good thing when it comes to this situation. Maybe they genuinely aren't bothered about food. Maybe they just genuinely don't care. It's not a control issue. It's not that they're calculating macros and calories and points and sins and whatever. Maybe they just are genuinely not bothered about food, take it or leave. It doesn't seem to take up much mental space for them. They're not counting down to the next meal. They're not battling cravings. It just just doesn't matter that much, and that can feel very confusing when food feels like such a massive presence in your day. You might find yourself wondering what it would be like if food didn't hold so much weight for you. Literally, and emotionally you are jealous of the inability to put food aside in your head. You wish that food didn't take up so much mental space. You're not really wishing you could survive lunch with a starter or to drink water instead of a cocktail. You are craving the ease that they have, not their actual food choices. You are after that quiet mind. The sense that food decisions don't rule your day. It's not about the food itself, it's about wanting the peace. But let's, let's talk about control a little bit. A lot of what we call control isn't healthy. Okay? It is fear based, obsession based, restriction based. It is not a calm, balanced relationship with food. It's more often than not a set of tight rules. They feel like safety, but actually they come from anxiety and it's not peace. It's not freedom. It's just someone white knuckling their way through a day of eating with as little amount of food as possible, and then calling it success at the end of the day. It is skipping meals, but not because they're satisfied, because they're scared of what might happen if they eat. It's saying no to desserts and then thinking about it for the rest of the night. And that's not ease, is it? That's effort. That's effort disguised as discipline. Now, I'm not saying that's always the case. Some people might genuinely not be hungry. Some people might genuinely not fancy pudding. Some people are not sweet eaters. Now I don't understand that I have got an incredibly sweet tooth. I am always gonna choose dessert over anything else meals wise. If you said to me you could have one course, it's gonna be dessert. I will. Quite often not have a starter and then have a Maine and a dessert, whereas some people prefer to have the starter and the main, and they're not bothered to bite dessert. My husband's like that. He's not a sweet eater at all. So if we have dessert, we being me and whoever else is there, if we have dessert, he'll quite often have, um, a pint or a plate of nachos or something, because that's what he likes. That's his food choices. And that is fine. When we put people on pedestals though, just because they look like they have control around food, we forget what real food freedom looks like.'cause you could have that food, you could choose the salad, you could choose to not have dessert. You choose, um, to have a starter instead of a main. That's not food freedom because that's not what you want. You are your own unique human being. You have your own tastes and preferences. Your preferences are different to that person's. So real Food, flute. Flute. What? Oh my goodness. Real food freedom. That's what I was trying to say. It's flexible. It's choosing food. Food that you want without fear or guilt or second guessing yourself or questioning how it's gonna fit into your day. It's eating a full meal when you're hungry and stopping when you're satisfied, not when the plans says you have to stop eating. It is trusting your body, not fighting against it. So when you compare that to the person, you're feeling jealous of. The one who looks like they've got it all under control, you start to realize that their version might not actually be what you want at all. Because if their control comes with anxiety and obsession and rules, then is that really the kind of piece that you are craving? And with regard to the person who genuinely has no food issues at all, food just isn't emotional for them. It's just food. My husband has no emotional ties to food. It's just food. And while that might seem like the dream, it can also feel very out of reach. When you are sitting there in your food stresses, you might look at them and think, why can't I just be like that? But their experience with food is different. It doesn't mean that you are broken. It doesn't mean that they're not broken. It means that your relationship with food has got a different story. And if you're choosing to rewrite that story, that's cool. That's on you. That's, that's entirely up to you. It doesn't matter what they're doing. Their story with food is different to yours. So would you rather build a relationship with food that feels relaxed and joyful and absolutely, totally yours, even if it takes a bit more time and you have to be a bit more intentional about it, but at the end of it, you feel happy in your choices? Surely that's more sustainable than chasing somebody else's version of control or neutrality, because if you are striving for what that other person has got. It's not naturally what you prefer food wise. You are never gonna be happy eating that way. That jealousy, that jealous feeling is a signal. So this is what's going on inside us when this happens. It's a signal, not that you're doing something wrong, but that there's still a part of you that is equating being good with eating less. Or eating certain types of foods. And when you look at that other person, what are you saying to yourself? Are you saying you wish you could have a smaller plate of food or that you didn't want to eat so much? Are you saying that you wish you enjoyed salads and the typically healthy foods, healthy, you know, quote unquote. The healthy foods that you think that you should eat or that you wish you didn't want, the unhealthy foods, there's still that element of good and bad in there, isn't there? There's still the elements of what you feel like you should eat rather than what you want to eat, so maybe it's a fear of being outta control. Or even how your choices will look to others. Are you worried about what they're thinking about you when you decide to have three courses instead of the one that they're having or a massive meal, like a big mixed grill or something, and all they're having is little salads? Are you worried about what your choices will look to other people? Maybe it's frustration that you are trying so hard to be an intuitive eater and to have this food freedom, and you still feel like you're getting it wrong. Maybe it's the grief for the years that you have spent dieting and stressed out by food and you wish that you could have had a life where food was no big deal. I resonate with that. I wish that I had grown up and gone through my formative years, my teen years, my adulthood, not caring about food, not being emotionally attached to it. But that is not who I am. That is not my story. It's not what I got dealt. It is not the life that I've had. I can't do anything about that. Do I wish I hadn't had that? Yep. Can I change it? Nope. So is there any point in worrying about it? Nope. So maybe it is for you that grief over the years that you've spent dieting or concerned about what you're eating in some way when you wish you could have just had, you know, a life of ease around food. I get it. Jealousy isn't bad, it's just information. It is a sign to pause and ask, what is this really about? Why am I feeling like this? And more importantly, what am I making this mean about me? What am I saying that this says about me? Because we never look at that other person and go, um, I wish I had their control. Because I think it makes them look X, Y, Z instead, it's often, I wish that I could be like them around food because it would make me look X, Y, Z, or because then my eating habits would be X, Y, Z. So it's all meaning something about you when you're having these thoughts, and it's nice to question what that is. So if we turn the spotlight back on you, if you are jealous of somebody else's control, could you ask yourself what peace could look like for you? Your version of food freedom might be saying yes to dessert without feeling guilty. It might be learning to leave some food when you are full, even if it tastes amazing. Or it could be continuing to eat because it tastes so amazing, but you are doing it knowing that you are happy with the choice and you won't feel guilty after it might be being able to enjoy chips and have salad in the same week without feeling like one is canceling the other out. You do not have to aspire to be somebody else's version of eating. Especially if their version is rooted in fear or pressure or diet culture. Somehow you are allowed to make peace with food on your own terms. Whatever that looks like for you. You are allowed to feel messy. You're allowed to feel human while doing it. Uh, it can be what you want it to be, but food is not a competition. You are not better or worse than that other person because you make different food choices or because you have a different relationship with food than they do. You are not failing because someone else said no to cake, and you said yes. You are not doing badly with intuitive eating because you still have moments of doubt or guilt or longing. The path to food freedom is rarely smooth. It is not linear. It is not this straight line. It has bumps, it has wobbles. Maybe yours looks a bit more like a mad scribble than a straight line, but that's okay. What if you could change the wish so that. That isn't the goal. What if becoming more you is the real goal? Your body, your hunger, your food preferences, not judgment, not comparison, just the way you like to eat, what you like to eat, and feeling happy with that. So my key takeaway here is for you to start getting curious about your thoughts in these situations when you have thoughts about somebody else's food, somebody else's eating. Ask where that thought's coming from, what it means for you. Because once you're aware of your thoughts, you can do something with them. Makes sense? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Good. Any questions? Let me know. Drop me a comment on YouTube or something. Uh, drop me a message. Drop me a DM on the socials. Hit the text, the show button. In the show notes, you know, you know where to find me, right? Bly me. It looks like my chitchat at the beginning of this episode has cursed the weather. It is now raining. It's raining at the moment, so we will see where that goes. Let it all rain now because then it'll be hot and sunny for the festival tomorrow. Right on that note, I'm off to pack for said festival tomorrow. This is my last task of the weekend before I finish, so have a lovely weekend. Oh no, hang on. Hope you've had a lovely weekend. Have a lovely next weekend, and I'll speak to you next week. See you later.