162. What I'd say to 10 year old me now

Last night, a trip to a familiar venue for my weekly pool match brought back a memory I hadn’t felt in years. I was ten years old, dancing in front of a mirror in the toilets, completely lost in joy. I wasn’t worrying about my body. I wasn’t thinking about food. I was just happy.

In this episode, I share what it felt like to reconnect with that version of me, and how soon after diet culture crept in and began to change everything. This is a personal and emotional reflection on body image, childhood innocence, and the moment things started to shift.

I talk about what I’d say to my younger self now, how we can all learn from those early memories, and what it means to heal the relationship with your body and reclaim the joy that was once yours.

Whether you’ve lost touch with your younger self or you're working on healing your body image, this episode is a gentle reminder that she’s still in there. She always was. Maybe she just needs a little coaxing back out.

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Transcript

1:17

Welcome to the Intuitive Eating and Body Positivity podcast. I'm Terri and I'll be talking about all things intuitive eating, body positivity, and health for every size. And shaking off weight stigma, diet, culture, and food rules so that we can all have a better relationship with food and our bodies. Last night I went to play our usual Thursday night pool match. Same kind of games, same kind of team. Usual Thursday night thing, and we were playing at a venue that I used to go to a lot with my family when I was younger and something just hit me last night. It was a little bit mad. I used to spend time, let me paint the picture. I used to spend some time at this venue. When I was a kid, we used to go quite regularly with family. There would be lots of us there. Um, there were race nights and shows and family bingo and stuff like that, and it was always loads of us. So there was always my mom and dad, um, me, my sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, you know, it was, it was really good fun. It was one of those nights where, you know, when you're a child and you get to go out and stay up late. That that's what it was. We would go out and it was a late night and you know when you are little and you have to have a little sleep on the chair, you know, when you're really young your mum just goes, just lie down across these chairs, have a little sleep there. It was, it was, those nights they were always quite late because there was usually a show or something after the bingo and it was just good fun. Right. It was just good family night out. As a child, I loved it. Fizzy drinks rolls off the bar. I don't mean things roll off the bar. What I mean is on the bar, they used to sell rolls, like cheese rolls and ham rolls, that sort of thing. And it was one of those highlights, you know, cheese roll packet of crisps or ham roll packet of crisps. And a fizzy drink.'cause we didn't get a lot of fizzy drinks at home and there'd be dancing. And there was my cousin and I used to love seeing my cousin because we were like sisters as we were growing up. So that was always good fun. And she was really close in age to me as well. So that was really good fun. Just a good family night out. So going back to Thursday, playing pool in the evening, I popped to the loo. And in the toilets there's a full length mirror. So I'd been to the toilet, washed my hands and everything, and then on my way out the door stopped and looked in the mirror, straightened my clothes out, you know, that sort of thing. And as I looked into it, all of a sudden I had this really vivid flashback to one of these nights where we used to be in there with the family. I must have been. About 10, probably about 10 years old. And I was standing in that same mirror, looking in that same mirror.'cause that place has not changed in all these years. And it's been a lot of years. It looks no different. It's not been decorated, I don't think. Um, but I, it was the same mirror I was standing, looking in this mirror, and at the time I was wearing like a short. Lycra black skirt.'cause they were really in, at the time, it was not unusual to see young girls wearing them. There was nothing sorted or sleazy about them. They were just, you know. A black Lycra skirt, that's all. And a white vest, top a pair of shoes that I really liked. You know, that sort of thing. And I remember looking at myself in this mirror, loving what I was wearing, feeling a bit grown up in the way that 10 year olds do when they're on a night out, and was just absolutely buzzing to be there singing and dancing into the mirror. You know, because the music went in, you could hear it through the toilets. They weren't piped into the toilets. This is a social club. There was not that kind of expense spared, but you could hear it 'cause it was quite close to the hall. And I'm just having a good time and I wasn't thinking about whether I look slim enough or checking for cellulite light or pulling my clothes to cover my stomach up. None of that. Wasn't pulling my skirt down, I wasn't pulling my top down. I wasn't checking if my arms were in or out, you know, that sort of thing. I was just dancing, just happy, just in the moment, you know? And for a few seconds last night I felt like I could see her again. Now, I've obviously done a lot of work on this stuff. I'm in a really, really good place now, but I could see still something in 10-year-old me. That isn't there anymore. And I know there's a lot that comes with growing up and adult responsibilities, and your brain and your mind have got other things to think about and other things to organize and other things to do, and people to ferry around and jobs to do and all that sort of thing. But that aside, that aside,'cause that's part of normal adulthood, there was still this carefree side of me that isn't there anymore. And I just had this flashback of that. It was so bizarre. And I have other memories that are similar to that too. When I think about it, for example, there was a time not too long after that where I was, again, with my cousin at one of my aunt's house, Madonna's Immaculate Collection had just come out. So I'd have been about 11. I loved that album. I absolutely loved it. I was. Big into music. I loved music from a very young age. Still do absolutely lose myself in music quite often. And at the time, Madonna's Immaculate Collection was my soundtrack. You know, that was my album, not my soundtrack. I wasn't old enough for it to be my life. Um, but it was the album that I absolutely loved, and I remember that being on. And it was also the time of the Jive skirt. The rock and roll skirt, and my cousin had one. Now, this wasn't the fifties, right? This is like early nineties, so I'm not talking way back. But they made a bit of a, a comeback and it was the rage for kids our age to wear these skirts. Right? And my cousin had one and I had begged and begged my mum for one, for ages, and then she caved in and she got me one, but. My cousin skirt fled high when she spun around mine, not so much, and that made me sad. That's what I wanted. I wanted the really high flaring skirt. Mine just kind of halfway fled. My worry at that time was about the flare of the skirt and not how I looked at it. I felt amazing in it. I loved it. It was my favorite thing. I'd wanted it for so long, and then I got it and I, I just wanted it to spin higher. That's all I wanted. This was life before diet culture took hold. It wasn't very long after that night really that I had my first diet experience. I started doing my very first diet club. Mm. When I was 12, my mom took me to my first diet club meeting, so it wasn't that long after really, and that's when childhood body confidence was ruined for me. That's when, you know that period of time is when things really changed. I was aware of my body from much younger than that, but that, that's when it changed. Just let that sink in for a second. That's. 12 years old. One minute I'm dancing in the mirror or twirling around in a skirt, and the next I was learning how to count points and stand on the scales in front of a group of adults. That joy that I felt in my body just started to slip away bit by bit, but quite quickly. And over time I started to see my body not as a source of fun or freedom, but it became a problem and it became something to be solved, something to fix, something to reduce. And I know that I'm not alone in that. I know that because I hear it all the time from women that I coach. This is the process that you've been through too. So many of us have that moment, or maybe we don't even remember it, where. The freedom fades and all the rules take over when we stop being ourselves and we start trying to fix ourselves. Positive body image in childhood is almost impossible when you're constantly bombarded with these messages that you should change yourself self. If I could speak to her now. That 10-year-old girl in the mirror, I would have a few things to say to her. This is what I'd say. I'd say, you are exactly as you are meant to be. You don't need to change. You don't need to shrink. You don't need to earn your place in the room. You are already there. People love you for you. As you are, and they always will, and you don't have to question that. I would tell her to dance. I'd say Dance as much as you want. Spin until you are dizzy. Laugh while you do it. Let yourself be carried away by the music, not by anybody else's expectations. No one gets to take that joy that you feel when you move. That's yours. I'd say eat the cheese roll and the bag of crisps from across the bar. Drink the fizzy pop, wear the skirt.'cause you're not too much. You are not. Not enough. You're just right. And I'd say your body will change. It'll change in shape, in size, in softness, in strength, and all those things themselves will change as the years go by. And that doesn't make it wrong. It doesn't make it something to fix. It just means that you are growing and evolving and you're living your life. And that body of yours, that lovely, precious body of yours will carry you through joy and pain. It'll carry you through big belly laughs and heartbreak. It'll carry you through relationships and babies, and it deserves kindness, not criticism. Your worth won't ever depend on how much space you take up, and I would warn her that things will get a bit messy sometimes. The world is obsessed with body size. It has unrealistic expectations of what you should look like and what you should eat. So just to be aware of that. But through all of that, just know that you are perfect. I would say move for the love of it. The twirling around in the skirt as a 10-year-old and the spinning around of a pole as an adult, will both bring you the same awesome feeling of freedom and release of tension that's put upon you by the world around you. I was a twirler, obviously as a child and as an adult. I found pole dancing. I was, I was doing pole dancing for, for a good few years, six years, seven years maybe. And I just loved that spin, the spinning around the pole. And you can, you can have two types of pole. You can have a static pole that doesn't move and you can have a spinning pole where the actual pole spins. And to have that pole on spin and to just be floating around it, oh, it's the best. And that feeling as an adult is that feeling that I find just spinning around as a child in that skirt. So I would say to move for the love of it, find those things that give you the same feelings of freedom. And I'd say find spaces that you really love to be in. The pole studio, the gym, the yoga class, a walk by the river, dancing around the house. It's all good for the soul. If you love it. It's good for the soul and that's how it should be. Movement should not be, um, a punishment food that you've eaten. So move for the love of it. And I'd say always come back to this. See yourself in the mirror again. Once you're an adult and life starts to take its toll, remember yourself on the stairs, spinning around in your skirt. Remember the moments. Remember the joy in life. Remember the feelings that were all there before. Diet culture took over before life took over. Love life. And enjoy it. That is so much more important than anything else. The memories, the photos, the opportunities. Don't let them be ruined by concerns over what you're eating and what you're drinking and the effect that that will have on your body. Come back to those memories of carefree childhood, and when you do. It'll really help you to heal past all the body image crap that you've had to endure that's been put upon you as time goes by. Imagine if you could actually talk to your younger self. I don't know how receptive she would've been. I think the words would've stuck in. My mind if older me had come back and talked to younger me when I was younger, if you know what I mean. Um, would I have been receptive to it? Maybe the words would definitely have stuck with me. There are things that people said to me as a young child that still stick with me today, and I'm sure, I'm sure a conversation like that would be etched in my memory. I believe that that little girl is still there. I believe that that little girl is still inside me. She's still in all of us, right? I can feel it when you, you know, when you lose yourself, you just lose yourself for a moment and you're just having a good time and then suddenly you get called back to reality and you're like, oh, um, somebody might be watching, um, okay, I better stop dancing, or, I better I not wear that because you know, whatever reasons, blah, blah, blah. For that split second before you remember where you are. And what you're doing, you are just back with the inner child. She's in all of us. Every time I wear something I really like without giving a damn about whether others like it or not. Every time I laugh so hard, that tears just stream down my face. Every time I say no to a diet. Every time I say yes to living, she shows up. She's the reminder that I wasn't born broken. I wasn't born hating myself. I wasn't born with a bad relationship with food. I wasn't born with, um, bad body image. The world did that to me. So what I needed as a child wasn't fixing it, was protecting from those things. So maybe you have a version of her too. Maybe you have a moment or a memory, um, you know, a mirror moment, something that reminds you of who you were before the world told you to change. So if you've still got that little version of you tucked away, maybe today is the data, say hello to her again. What are the moments if you look back? That you can remember for just loving life. For me, I was taken back to that evening out and to the skirt twirling. You know, those are moments for me where I just remember vividly loving, loving what was going on and not having a care outside of that. For you, it might be something different. It might be a trip to, um, the zoo or a small animal breeds place. You know, maybe it is going to a fairground. Maybe it is playing games with your parents or grandparents. There are going to be things I hope that if you just sat and tried to reflect, if you just sat and tried to dig them out. There will be moments where you were just loving life and that was all. So if you could go back to that child and speak to her about the future, what would you tell her and what do you think they would want for you now? Like I know 10-year-old me wouldn't have wanted me to have all the trials and tribulations with my body and with food that I've had. Absolutely not. She would much rather have just had a really lovely time of it all. Life is not that simple. I know, but what would, what would younger you want for you now? She or he, or they didn't want. You'd have smaller thighs, flatter stomach when they were little, did they? They wanted fun. They wanted connection. They wanted to dance. They wanted a fizzy drink and a cheese roll from the bar, and you deserve that too. So she's still in there. She always has been. Go find her. A shorter episode this week, but I think every now and again, these little reflective episodes are quite nice. I like when these things come up that I can just share them with you and chat about it and share the realizations that I have and these moments. And if that helps you to reflect back a bit, then that's lovely too, isn't it? And I would love to hear about your moments, you know, the moments that you remember. I didn't tell anybody about the moment that I'd had in the toilet because when I go back out, there's a pool match going on, there's things happening, and I just completely forgot about it and nobody would've understand anyway. Understand, understood. No one would've understood. So if I'd have gone back into that room and gone, guess what? I've just remembered when I was looking in the mirror about a 10-year-old me, and nobody's going to really get it. Like you will get it. So you might not also have somebody that you could share these memories with and have them understand what the heck you're going on about. So share them with me. I'd love to hear your memories. YouTube channel dms, text me, email me, whatever. I'm all over the place. Um, but yeah, I'd love to hear it. I'd love to hear what your memories are. Have a lovely week. Take care of yourself and I'll speak to you next week. Bye.