169. Why appearance anxiety hides what you achieve in a day

If you spend a lot of your day thinking about how you look, it is easy to assume that your body image and confidence will change depending on what you see in the mirror. What you often miss is how much of your life has nothing to do with your appearance at all. 

Appearance anxiety can take over so quickly that you forget what your day actually involves. You forget the decisions you make, the people you support, the problems you solve and all the ways you show up without even thinking about it.

This week’s article walks you through what is really happening in your day and why your achievements will give you far better evidence of who you are than your appearance ever will. 

When you take a step back and look at your day properly, you will realise how much you do that has nothing to do with your appearance, and it is such a relief when you see it clearly.

So this week I give you an honest look at why feeling confident in your body can be more to do with your actions than your looks, and how much your life already proves this. 

In this episode I also mention Byron Katie's Four Liberating Questions. You can find more on that at https://thework.com/2017/10/four-liberating-questions/

Transcript

0:01

Hello, my lovelies, how are you? It has been a lovely week. Nothing exciting's going on, which I really like, you know, peace and quiet. But I've had some really nice messages from you, so thank you. Really, really appreciate them. I've had some lovely DMs on Instagram, and I've had a couple of really nice emails just saying that they like what I'm doing. So thank you. If you've taken the time to message me, if you've taken the time to give me your thoughts or to share your appreciation, just know that I really appreciate you too. Thank you very much. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I'm really pleased that you're enjoying a bit of focus on stuff that isn't just food related. Food will still come into it, obviously, but there's so much more that I have to say about how our bodies affect. our confidence and how we show up in the world. So I'm really happy and really, really happy. It's always a bit of a risk when you change things and I'm so glad that you're enjoying it. And it's mad because I'm hearing from people who are not in a business space. They're not in a management space, but they're still getting an awful lot from the content. So that is just brilliant. I'm glad you're here. I'm really glad you're here. This week, I want to talk about why anxiety around your body, why appearance anxiety hides what you actually achieve in a day. It can be so easy to be down on yourself and feel like you're doing a bad job and you're not showing up properly. And it's all because of how you feel in yourself. It's all because of your confidence, your self-confidence. And I want you to see what it is you bring to the world because I don't know that you can see it. So I want to take you through that and I want you to have a better appreciation for yourself. Appearance anxiety is when you get anxious over situations, over going places. doing things, being with people, et cetera, because of what you look like. Appearance, anxiety shows up really quickly each day. You wake up, stretch, sit on the edge of the bed, and then before you've even stood up, you've probably already thought about your body somehow. Maybe your stomach, your face, your thighs, your back, maybe your back's aching because... You've had a rough night's sleep or something and you're blaming your body for that. uh The number on the scale, that's an automatic thought for a lot of people, isn't it? When you open your eyes in the morning. My routine used to be get up, go to the toilet, strip for the shower, weigh myself, then get in the shower. I'd thought about my weight before I'd even properly open my eyes in the morning. So the chances are... You have already judged yourself for how you look and you've not even lived one minute of your day yet. Am I wrong? And that sets the tone for the entire day. It feels automatic because it is now, it just happens because you've repeated it so many times, day in, day out. And what you often don't realise is that the rest of your day is then full of actions and decisions and achievements and moments that you can't see, but they've got nothing to do with your weight. or your appearance. Things that run on your skills, not your looks, they all rely on your identity, not your body shape. And you can't necessarily see that. Appearance anxiety will take away your attention from the truth about how you show up and what you do and how well, how awesome you live your life. And instead, it convinces you that how you look is the most important part of who you are and that it's all people are gonna see. That's what you think, right? You think your body is what it is and that's all people are gonna look at. They're gonna think about you based on what you look like. Even when your day is proving otherwise, you're still thinking that. And I wanna show you what is really happening in your life. Where your confidence could actually be coming from. And how much of your day has nothing to do with your body at all. Someone has to, if you're not gonna see it for yourself. Someone needs to point this out to you, right? The first thing to acknowledge is just how much space anxiety takes up for you around your appearance. It is way more than you realize I'm willing to bet. Sometimes it's there and it's rumbling away quietly in the background. You can not really notice it. but it's there underpinning everything, right? It just sits there, underlying, just bubbling away, just stopping you doing things, because every now and again you go to do something and you're like, no, mustn't make a show of myself, no, I mustn't stand up now, no, mustn't speak now. It'll just bubble away and it stops you doing things. Or it can hit you square in the face at very regular intervals through the day. You look in the mirror and you see the way you look in your clothes and then that affects how you then walk back into the room, that sort of thing. Either way, this messaging for yourself is on repeat all the time, over and over again through your day. And I'm talking about thoughts like, what do I look like today? Is this outfit hiding enough? Will people judge me for what I look like when I walk in the room? What will people say about me after I stand up and present to them today? I hate how I look in the mirror. I should have lost weight by now. All these things, they've got no relevance to what you do, what you're gonna be doing that day. But these thoughts come up all the time, don't they? They come up all the time. The issue is not so much that these thoughts are popping in, although we'd like to work on getting rid of those altogether, right? We don't want those thoughts there anyway. But the bigger problem is how much attention they demand of you. When you give those thoughts attention, they start to feel like facts. When you start listening to those thoughts, they become factual in your head, they become beliefs that you hold. You start to live by them and then they... They distract you from the things that you actually are doing well each day. They push you into thinking that your body image and your confidence are linked and are the only thing that matter. When in reality, they're not. These things are linked. Your body confidence and your body image do affect your overall confidence, but they should not be the driving force. They should not be what matters in your day. You can live an entire day full of capability while you think you have none, right? I'm going to prove this to you in a second. That is the power of appearance anxiety. It hides who you are from yourself by making you focus on what you look like instead. So what do you actually do in a day? Let's put those thoughts to one side. Let's put all those criticisms to one side. Let's put all the thoughts about your body image to one side and let's look at your real life, your actual day. There are so many things that you do that prove your worth without you even noticing. When I look at my life, for example, right, I use myself as an example here, this becomes really obvious. So as a person looking into my life, I'm hoping you can see where I'm going with this. I coach women through big shifts. I sit with them as they work through fears. and beliefs and challenges and old stories. None of that requires a flat stomach. Their breakthroughs come from my presence and my skills, my knowledge as a coach, not the way I look. I lead workplace talks and group workshops and training days. People show up because they trust my guidance. They listen because I know what I'm talking about. No one in that room is taking in my clothes size. They're watching the way I speak, the confidence I have in my words, the way I simplify ideas, different points of view that I generate. the way I guide people in the room to get results, the way I hold the space for other people. That's what they're looking at. That's what they're listening to. Behind the scenes, I run my business. I build strategies, I make decisions, I plan launches, I write content, I talk to clients. I navigate the challenges that come up with being a woman in business. None of that slows down or speeds up depending on what I weigh. I host a networking group. I welcome people in, guide conversations, I support women, I create a space where they feel seen and heard, and they respond to my energy and my confidence, not my appearance. I play competitive pool, as you know, if you've been around this podcast for a little while. I train, I compete, I travel, I work hard to improve, and... actually, this did happen this week. This is exciting. I now have England trials. I'm actually going to be trialling for the England pool team. This is massive. Massive. This is really hard to get into. The trials are really hard to get into. It's taken me years to get to this. Those opportunities came from years of dedication and practice and skill. My body shape did not get me here and it didn't affect my outcomes or my ability as a pool player. My consistency and my dedication did that. I manage my home and my family life. I love, care for people. I communicate. I solve problems. I organize the week. I do the food shopping. I put food on the table. Hate the food shopping. I show up for the people that I care about. These parts of my life rely on my patience, my place in the family, my values, my sense of responsibility. None of that depends on my appearance. Are you getting this? I've got more examples. I host a podcast. People listen, you listen because of how I help you think, right? What are you thinking when I'm talking to you? Are you thinking, I wonder how fat Terry is today? I wonder what she weighs today. Is that what you're thinking when you're listening to me? Or do you come back because I say things that land with you? That you appreciate my guidance, that you... want to hear what I've got to say on this subject. Do you honestly care about what I look like when I am recording? When I press play? When you press play? Do you care? Do you care? I'm hoping you don't because if you do you're in the wrong place. I've got friendships that run deep because of loyalty and humour and shared values and shared experiences and the way we love and support each other. None of these relationships are based on my weight. These people are not my friends because of what I look like or the weight that I am. They don't expect me to be a certain shape or size. They don't ask me to change. None of those things affect my relationship with these people. I have qualifications that took years to learn, years to learn. My degree. my coaching certifications, um my training in trauma and LLP, LLP, that's not right, NLP, semantics, nutrition, all these things exist, all these qualifications exist because I did the work. My body size didn't contribute to any exam or assessment that I passed. And I am sure if you asked any, any of the people in my day-to-day life, what they think of me and what kind of relationship we have, I would place my last pound on a bet that said, my shape or size has got no place in that conversation. And if it does, my God, they're in trouble. They know better than that. But you get my point, right? When you lay it out like this, Can you now see how much of my life has got zero to do with my appearance? I really hope right now that that answer is yes. I really hope that you are saying right now, yeah, God, you do all this stuff. You do all this stuff. None of your, none of your achievements, none of your daily successes are due to your white Terry. Right? Agree? Yes? Yes? Not? Say it. Say it out loud. Yes, Terry. Now, if you can see that for me, can you see that the same is true for you? Can you please see it? If you evaluate all the different aspects of your life, how many of them are truly affected by your appearance in any other way than what you tell yourself? Now, by that, I mean... Your confidence when you walk into a room, for example. Does your shape and size actually affect that? Or is it just what you're telling yourself? And if you, hmm, let me have a little think. if you need to put yourself forward for a new job role or a promotion or something. How is that success? How you show up in that interview? How much of that is actually affected by your weight, by your appearance, by your shape and size? Now, is that actually the people interviewing you don't want you at your size to apply? Or are you telling yourself they don't want you to apply? I'm willing to bet if you've got an application that has successfully got you to an interview or another application stage or a meeting with somebody, I'm willing to bet that whatever you've done or said or put on paper is telling that person how valuable you are to them. willing to bet that they probably didn't message you back and go, we'd like to interview you. We'd like to invite you for a meeting. We'd like to know more about you. But before we do confirm that, can you just tell us how big you are, please? Can you tell us what your clothes size is? Can you tell us what your eating habits are? And can you tell us if you look thin? They're not going to do that, right? If they do. Do not go there, you do not want to work for somebody like that. But you get my point, right? Now there is of course a point that we need to acknowledge. We do know that there are going to be people in life that do judge the way you look. There is going to be, or there are rather, that wasn't very good English, there are moments in your life when how you look is noticed. Right, if you stand up in front of a room full of people, they will look at you. Right? They have to look at you. If you want their attention, they have to look at you. And they will make an assumption based on what you look like. They will consider in those first few seconds, what you look like, how you're presenting yourself, et cetera, et cetera. That's what people do. Some may form opinions. People form opinions about everyone. in everybody at every size. but what you demonstrate to them, the way you present yourself, the way you talk to them, that is very quickly gonna detract from that. The key here is what you make that mean to you. What you make that possible judgment mean to you, because you don't actually know what they're thinking, right? You don't know straight off that they're judging you, unless somebody actively, openly says to you, you're a fat... person when you're stood up in front of them, right? And nobody's going to say that, are they? So you're just assuming that they are thinking badly of you, that they're judging you. However, you need to consider what that means for you. Feeling looked at does not automatically mean that you are being judged harshly. Maybe they're looking at you thinking how bloody lovely you look. Maybe they're admiring the clothes you've got on today. Maybe they wish they could do their hair the same way as you. Maybe you've got mad makeup skills that I really, really, really want and they're just looking at you wishing they could do that. There's lots of reasons why somebody would be looking at you. Maybe they're just looking at you listening to what you've got to say, which is great, because that's what you're there for. Feeling judged does not actually confirm that anybody is thinking anything negative about you. There's actually a really great exercise that you can do and it's called the four liberating questions. It's by Byron Katie. It'll really help you reflect on this. I know I've talked about this before, but it's well worth a look up. I'll put it in the show notes. I'll remember to put it in the show notes. And then you can look at these questions, but they're super helpful when you're in a position where you feel uncomfortable because you think people are looking at you. You can bring these four questions to mind. and it will really help you consider whether your thoughts true or not. Most people in that room though in reality are going to be thinking about themselves. If you're thinking about themselves, why are other people not thinking about themselves? They are thinking about what they look like, what they are saying next, how they are being perceived. When you start speaking, when you lead, when you contribute, the focus always moves to your voice and your presence. People pay attention to the message. They pay attention to your energy and what you're contributing to the room. They are not paying attention to the shape of your body. Confidence does not come from changing your appearance. Confidence comes from how you handle your visibility. It comes from knowing who you are and trusting that your value does not sit in your body. This is how you start feeling confident about yourself. Even if you don't love your body yet, this is what you do. This is how you get that confidence. Now, let's look at the real reasons that your day runs well. Right? Because, let's face it, you're doing alright in life. So how do you get there? Here are the things that your days actually run on. Skill. Alright, hang on. Before I go through the list, I want you to think about how this applies to you, right? Never mind me rattling off a list. Have a think about how these things apply to you. To you. Here are the real reasons your day runs well. Here's the things that your day actually runs on, right? It runs on your skill, your experience, your knowledge, compassion, humour, relationships, patience, your leadership, boundaries, discipline. your your focus, your strength, your presence. There's so much. I mean, that's just the start of a list. I could keep going. I won't, because then I'll just be here rattling off a list of words. But you get my point. There's so much that contributes to your day that makes you successful, that makes you the woman that you are. And none of that list had anything to do with body size. Not one item on that list relies on your weight. Not one of these qualities appears or disappears because of how you look. I mean, let me go back to that list. Do your experiences disappear because you put on weight? No. Do you have more leadership skills because you lose weight? No. Do your boundaries change? No. Are you more or less creative? Do you have more or less... humour in your day? Do you have more or less compassion as your weight changes? No, of course you don't. Of course you don't. These things are part of who you are, not what you see in the mirror. Your body is part of your life. It is not the source of your achievements. So the more attention you give to this appearance anxiety, the more you will distance yourself from who you already are and the truth about who you already are. Those skills, those qualities that make you who you are. When you see your day clearly for what it actually is, then you can start to feel things that you might not have felt for a very long time. Maybe you can start to feel relief because you realize how much of your life is untouched by appearance worries. All those different aspects of your life that weight does not affect. And that can give you a freedom to be yourself. Maybe you feel pride because your day is full of success that you've not been giving yourself credit for. And now you're starting to see it because you're not focusing on your weight, on your appearance. You are now starting to see the things in your day that have been great. You start to see these things so you can give yourself credit for them and feel proud of them. Maybe you feel karma because now You can accept that the constant body checking and worrying does not add up to anything useful for you. And you can definitely feel power. Definitely. You can start to trust yourself more because you can finally actually see the impact that you already have on other people and on the world around you. These changes don't come from changing your body. They come from shifting your attention and putting your attention back on the life that you already have. That life that contains really hard evidence of your capabilities. It's such a shame, I think, that appearance anxiety has been hiding everything you have to offer all this time. But now you know it, you can change it, right? core message I suppose is, it's pretty simple I suppose. Your body is present in your day, right? It's there. I mean it has to be, because that's what you're living in, you're living in your body. So your body is going to be there in your day. But it is not the be all and end all. Your body doesn't get to decide how successful you are now. Your appearance is not the thing that decides how brilliant or capable or confident you are. And once you see that, once you recognise the truth of your daily life, you get to stop giving your appearance that power. It doesn't deserve it. You deserve that power. So when you start to see it and you start to acknowledge the other things in life and you give less weight to your, less weight to your appearance, when you, you know what I mean, less importance to your appearance, then you claim that power back and you become more powerful in your life. Yeah, does that make sense? So have I now shown you how much you are already bringing to your days and to your colleagues and to your staff and to your family and to your friends? Have I shown you now what you're contributing to them? Imagine what is going to become possible when you stop giving that power to your appearance. And if you want me to help you, if you're like, oh, this is so good, but where do I go from here? I can help you. I can help you. If you want a coaching session with me, you can, I would love that. If you want to come into the from within membership, I would love that. Also, we've got a couple of spaces. uh So you can come on into there if you choose. Just last night, actually, we had a group session. it won't be last night when you come to listen to this, but when I'm recording this, just last night, we'd had a great session. We were talking about confidence and complimenting people and giving compliments and where our confidence comes from and who affects it and how it's affected, all that sort of stuff. So we talk about a lot of this stuff from within membership. And we have a couple of group conversations each month, two group sessions a month. And this is the stuff we work through. So there's a couple of options for you there. Come and have a personal coaching session with me or come in and join the membership. The links are in the show notes. Please, I'd love to see you. You deserve it, right? Let me give you that helping hand. Right, it is lunchtime at the point that I am recording this. So I am going to press stop. I'm going to let the recording... generate and do what it needs to do and I'm gonna go have something to eat. I don't know what I'm gonna eat yet though. I think we've got some wraps. I like a wrap. oh, I think I'm gonna have a wrap and then I'm gonna have some cheese and stuff in it and some other bits and pieces. I might put it in the air fryer because it's a cold day. So warm lunch is required. Yes, that's what I'm gonna do. Between now and next time, I really, really hope to see you. But if I don't, take care of yourself and I will speak to you next week. Ta-ra!