How Do Men Have the Right to Comment on Women's Bodies?

Men comment on women's bodies. Their weight, their clothing, their appearance, their choices. They do it confidently, casually, and often without a second thought.

Where does that authority come from?

Not one of them has spent a single day living in a woman's body, navigating a world that judges bigger bodies and links body confidence to how seriously women in business are taken.

In this episode I'm pulling that apart. 

What men actually comment on and why they feel entitled to do it. 

What they genuinely don't know about what it costs a woman to get dressed, walk into a room, show up on camera, or charge what her work is worth. 

And where those absorbed opinions end up living in our memories for the rest of time, consuming the capacity that should be going into your business, your visibility, your decisions, your presence.

Their opinion is never data. It is never feedback. It is never the truth about you.

It is just noise from the outside, delivered with confidence by people who have never once had to live here.

Your head is far too valuable a space to keep renting out to them.

Transcript

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I had the best call with a client this week. It was just fun. Coaching sessions can get quite heavy, okay? When we get into really emotional stuff, they can get quite heavy. Every now and again though, a session comes around that is super lighthearted and although you're talking about stuff and you're working through things, it's still light and energizing and fun and I had one of those this week. It was a lady who, she's just got the best energy, I think. She's got such good energy. And we laughed and we had fun with the session. And we went here, there and everywhere with the conversation. And it was so good. It was so good. I came out of the session really, really quite uplifted. So good. But in this session, as sessions often do, The conversation went off on various tangents. So you talk about one thing and that leads you down one route and then you bring it back to the topic of conversation and then it takes you down another route. And this is what this did. And at one point in this session, there was a comment that said, it's okay for men though, isn't it? They don't have this problem. And an immediate gut reaction would be to go, yeah, yeah, true, no, they don't have this problem at all. But then as we were talking about it and thinking about it and working it around. The conclusion was that actually, no, that's not right. It feels true, it feels obvious, but it's not the truth actually. And then I went back to a conversation that I'd had with a guy that owns a company for uh bigger size guys. We'd had a conversation about the stuff that he does and the products that he makes and the guys that he works with. And we, and I, not we, I quickly learned that actually there's much more to men's clothing for bigger guys than I realized. He'd said in that call actually that this is a common misconception that men just, it's all right for them, throw on jeans and a t-shirt, it's fine. But he said in actually just putting on jeans and a t-shirt, That is also a difficult thing to do for some men. When you look at the outfit, jeans and a t-shirt, so you've got the jeans, he said the waist size isn't always in proportion to the leg length, for example. He said then also belts, many men like to wear belts. Once you hit a certain size, then shops stop carrying your size and you have to go to a specialist provider or have them personally made for you. The t-shirt, he said even just throwing a t-shirt on, if you're big around the middle, then sometimes that means that across the shoulders, it doesn't fit right because there's an assumption that if you've got a bigger waist, then you're a taller guy with broader shoulders. And it was quite interesting to have that conversation with him was really, really interesting because it's all stuff I did not know about. I just didn't know. I hadn't thought about it. hadn't considered it, why would I? Because I'm a woman, he's a man, that sort of thing. And also, men don't really talk about this stuff, do they? So, it becomes a silent thing. Women talk about this all the time. Women are very vocal about their clothes, how they feel in their clothes, how they feel in their bodies, what they're doing with their food and exercise. wait, they've lost that sort of thing. Men don't necessarily do that to the degree that women do. And I say that because obviously there are gonna be some men who do, some men who are concerned about their body image, some men who are concerned about what they're wearing and how they look, and maybe that does affect their confidence. But this is what's interesting. I don't know, because I am not male. So. I can't possibly know how these guys feel in their bodies through their eyes. And if somebody like me who thinks about this stuff all the time, lives and breathes it, teaches it, coaches women through it, if I still have blind spots about men's experiences, then what does that tell us about the assumptions that they're making about us? I think it tells us that not knowing is the default when you haven't lived something. Does that make sense? If you haven't lived through something, you can't really have an awareness of it. So you just don't know and that becomes the default. And that makes the confidence in which men comment on women's bodies, on their appearances, on their choices, quite extraordinary really, because they haven't lived it either. They can't see it. They don't know how it feels, but they have these opinions anyway. And they have very strong opinions. Let's face it. I think on the whole, women commenting on men is often things like how clean they look, their, things like their teeth or how clean their shoes are or how well-dressed they are or not. How, yeah, how put together they look, I guess. There will be commentary from women on men's body sizes and shapes, but I think on the whole, it's not to the degree that men comment on women's bodies. I think men are much more opinionated on what they see in women than we are in what we see in men. The assumption though is that men don't have these struggles. Based on everything that we've seen and heard, we assume that men are not having these struggles because they're not talking about it. But that's culture. This is the way that culture has shaped men. The assumption that men don't have body confidence struggles though, feels reasonable to me based on everything I've seen and heard. There is a real cultural silence around men's appearance and their anxiety around that. this I think comes from the fact that there is relentless messaging for women around this stuff, but there's not for men. So you'll see in the media and on social media, a lot of the diet stuff, a lot of the weight loss messaging, it's targeted at women. Adverts say for diet companies and the injections, that sort of thing, it is aimed at women. You see women in those adverts. When you look at magazines and you see the headlines that say lose X amount of weight in X amount of days or slim down for your wedding or slim down for your Christmas party, all of that you will notice is aimed at women. There's very little targeting for this stuff for men. And the same with social media. I think the messaging on social media for how women should look is way stronger than the men have. And it's really important that we recognise that men are not under the same pressure as women to look a certain way. They are just not. The silence though around this stuff is not proof that it's not there. It's just proof that it's a different type of pressure. Women are under a different type of pressure, much, much more pressure than men are. The thing that I see with men in the media, I guess, is around their age quite a lot and how they're dressing. But I'd also say that it's similar to women in the respect of if you're watching a film or a TV programme, the fat guy is going to be the funny one or the clumsy one or the stupid one or the one who doesn't have a good relationship with women, that sort of thing. That's what we also get for women in the media like that. But men seem to escape all of the other media that women are under pressure from. So men might have this pressure a little bit, but it's a different version. Much more in person, I guess, from what this guy was saying to me, things like the clothes, that sort of thing. They just don't have the pressure that women do. We don't know though, because we haven't heard it, right? And we haven't heard it because culture and society does not give men the same space to say it. So it goes unspoken. And then because it's unspoken, things just get assumed and goes under the radar. And this is what invisible experience looks like. We all have blind spots. Every single one of us has blind spots around other people's lives and experiences. So it's not the question of whether these blind spots exist, it's more what we do with that knowledge, okay? We have to think better so that we can do better. My assumptions about men's experiences was very wrong. And even in my position as somebody who works with this stuff, it was wrong. So then given that... Men's assumptions about women's experiences deserves the same scrutiny. So let's get a bit more specific about what I mean by this. Let's look at how men comment on women all the time. Men comment on weight. Too much of it. She's too fat. She's a bit thick. She's heavy. There's always comments about the shape of women's bodies on their thighs, their backsides, their breasts. Anything anything and everything They comment on clothing choices. It's too revealing. It's too short a skirt. Her top's too short. Her cleavage is too low. Or it's not flattering. She's got a top that comes up to her neck and, you know, with a rack like that, why isn't she kind of showing it off, that kind of commentary? It's not flattering. It's showing her... rolls, it's showing her size, it's too much for her size, it's too safe for her age, why is she dressing like a 60 year old woman, why is she dressing like a 21 year old when she's clearly in her 50s, you know all this sort of stuff. They have opinions on whether a woman has let herself go or whether she's trying too hard, they have opinions on makeup, too much of it? or not enough of it. If she's got too much of it on, oh, she slapped it on with a trowel. If she doesn't have enough of it on, she hasn't made an effort. Her hair, is it too long? Is it too short? It's grey. God forbid your hair should be grey. It's, em she's not taking care of it. It's not appropriate for her life. If she's done it up in a really nice fashion, then what's she getting dressed up for? If she hasn't bothered, it's... she just looks like she just got out of bed. They comment on food. They comment on women compared to other women deciding who's aged better, who still looks good, who's maintained themselves. They comment on, well, his ex didn't look like that, did she? Or his ex was better than that. Or he's punching, isn't he? Meaning that the woman is way, way, way better. looking than him. They have views on whether a woman looks professional enough, credible enough, polished enough, which is just code for thin enough, young enough and conventional enough. That's what that says. They comment on how much space women take up physically and otherwise. So yes, they comment on their body shape and size. But if a woman is confident, then they're making comments about that. Some of this is deliberate. A lot of it might not be, but some of it is deliberate. I have heard men having conversations about another man's girlfriend and how he must have paid for her to have a boob job. I've heard that. or they're just making commentary on another woman across the room and things like, look at the state of that, or I'd do it, you know, that kind of commentary. It is just horrible. It's just horrible. So a lot of that is very deliberate. A lot of the way that men talk about women is deliberate. Some men genuinely believe they're being helpful. or honest or complimentary, I'm sure. It doesn't matter though because the impact is the same. Society gave men a commentary role on women's bodies that they don't have a right to have. And most of us have not thought to question it. Admittedly, women do not like commentary like that most of the time. But we rarely say anything back. We rarely stand up for ourselves or other women when commentary like this happens. If somebody says that sort of thing around me, you know I'm going to be saying something. It is not acceptable. It is not okay. Nobody has a right to comment on anybody else's bodies. But a lot of women are not in that position. A lot of women do not have the confidence to say it. They don't have the confidence to say it on behalf of themselves and they don't have it to say on behalf of other women. And that's because society lets it happen. Men are be men, right? Men just do that, they just talk like that. No, that is not right. We've got to get rid of this in culture. We've got to get rid of almost pre-installing it into boys before they become men. We've got to stop that. It's there in throwaway remarks, jokes about women's body sizes, looks across the room when a woman walks into a room. Feedback that's just disguised as concern. It's rarely, it? It's just commentary, just commentary. But you know what men don't know? They don't know what it's like to get dressed in the morning. They do not know what it's like to have every single choice around clothes, carry a weight for the rest of the day that is nothing about clothes. They do not know what it's like to walk into a room and spend... the first couple of seconds or minutes, scanning the room for the safety of it rather than an opportunity of it. And that's because they're not looking for something to be wrong. What they're looking for is people who they're gonna be judged by. women know, they know the kinds of people that are gonna make those comments or... make them feel uncomfortable. And that's not because when you're getting dressed, something is actually wrong. It's just because this is what you've been taught to do. This is what constantly being judged and assessed for your body and how you look teaches your nervous system to react. They do not know what it's like to rehearse what you are going to order at work lunch so that nobody can have an opinion on it. about what's on your plate. They don't know what it's like to avoid being in photographs and miss out on being in those memories. They don't know what it's like to avoid being on camera and feel confidence collapse before they've even said a word. They don't know what it's like to stand in a changing room and not be looking for something you love, just something you can get away with, something you feel good in, at a push. They don't know what it's like to feel genuinely proud of something that you've built, something very real, something you've earned, and have a throwaway comment about your appearance that erases all of that. in a split second. just wipes it out. They don't know that their credibility has not been linked to how they look. Very rarely will men's credibility be judged on how they look in the way that a woman's is. So there might be conversation around whether a man is dressed appropriately or not, or whether he's a well-dressed guy. or whether he's a casually dressed guy or that sort of thing. But women's credibility gets hinged on their style so much more. If a woman's cleavage is a little bit lower than deemed professional, then they are deemed to not be good enough at their job. em If they are wearing sharp suits, then... they are judged to be professionally credible. If they are wearing those sharp suits though and they are in a bigger body, they don't look so professional and their credibility is judged. This has all been proven by the way. I'm just not just making this up. It's all out there in studies. They have never walked into a meeting or a networking event or to a pitch. and had their authority assessed against how well they look like they maintain themselves. If a guy stands up in a meeting or at a networking event and starts to speak about what his speciality is, then people will listen. There might be a split second where some people are like, who's this guy? Because he's either well dressed or not so well dressed. But if a woman stands up there, you know that she is getting more thought time from the people looking at her than a man would. Men don't know what it's like to have the daily negotiation between what you want to wear and what you think you're allowed to wear because of your body. Men do not know the cost of carrying those opinions like women do. Not just in the head, but in the body, right? Because everything is combined. The mind and the body at one. It's all affected. The body is affected by our thought processes, by our thoughts and beliefs. It's in how you sit. It's in how loud your voice comes out or how confidently you speak. There is a very big difference between feeling very self-conscious and saying, hi, hello, hello, hi, sorry, sorry, hi, I'm Terry and I'm a coach. And feeling confident and saying, hi, hello, my name's Terry, I'm a coach. Do you hear the difference? but the way that voice comes out is affected by what you think people are perceiving of you. It's how much space you allow yourself to take up, right? And that's guided by what you think others think of you. And men have just not ever lived a day in a woman's body, navigating a world that was built to assess it. Not one day. Now, obviously I take out of this equation transgender people, people... with different gender identities. That's a whole other world that I am not able to speak on. I can't pretend to know thoughts and feelings of people who have transitioned in their gender somehow. What I'm talking about is cis men, cis women. Men have not lived in women's bodies. They have not had to go about this world being judged on their body shape, their body type, their confidence levels. ah And the world is not kind to people in bigger bodies. It's just not. So what gives those men the right to comment on women's bodies when they have no idea what it's like to live with all this constant messaging? about what we should be, who we should be and how we should show up in the world. This is where it stops being abstract, right? There's a real cost to this. This is where it stops being what ifs, because we could, we could say all this stuff that I've said already. Yes, but there's nuance to this. Yes, but what if this man has been through this? What if they've experienced this? What if they've lived with somebody who was quite open and they had an open conversation? Yes, okay. There is nuance to all of this. It is not a blanket statement, obviously, but here is where it does stop being open to nuance. When a woman receives that information, when they receive that judgment, when they receive that commentary, or they overhear it somewhere, that doesn't just stay in that moment. That doesn't just live there and then it's gone, right? That thought, has moved in and is living rent-free in your head for a very long time. mean, those thoughts, if you're anything like me, they move in, they unpack, they make themselves at home, they redecorate, they are staying for the long haul. They live in your mind, they live there. Then the cost of that is that the woman postpones being visible because there's something that was said to her years ago that you've never really quite shaken off. Something that was said to you years and years ago lives in your head and you're carrying that into every situation you go into. A comment on a photo, a remark about your weight, a look from somebody because that says Volumes. Keeping the camera off in Zoom calls, rewriting social media posts over and over again before hitting publish, and then deleting them anyway. Canceling networking events because she doesn't feel put together enough or doesn't feel like she can dress appropriately, that sort of thing. Undercharging because... Somewhere, somehow somebody's told her she's not good enough and so she's absorbed this idea that you don't get to charge that. So she undercharges because someone who looks like her doesn't charge good money like that. Someone like that can't charge that amount of money because look at her. She doesn't deserve it. She shrinks in rooms that actually she belongs in. Not because she likes the expertise, okay? Not because she doesn't know what she's talking about, but because she's been told that she shouldn't have a voice or an ego. It's not an ego, it's confidence, but she's been told that she needs to pipe down. Who does she think she is? That sort of thing. None of this is a strategy issue. None of this is a marketing problem. Right? Or even, I mean, it is a mindset problem, but it's not necessarily just a mindset problem. This is a confidence problem and a capacity problem. And the capacity element comes because as a woman, you're so consumed with all of this stuff that you don't really have the capacity to do what you're here to do, right? The capacity is taken up managing other people's opinions and beliefs, not your own. Opinions and beliefs given to you by people who have never once had to live the experiences that they were so comfortably judging, delivered by people who do not know what it is like to live in your body. Every absorbed opinion takes up space and forms these beliefs that we have to live That space could be used for making decisions, taking action, building this visibility for yourself, building a business. And instead, what it's doing is just concentrating on someone else's voice. That's the real cost. The cost isn't the impact on how you actually look, how you dress, that sort of thing. The cost is all of this visibility stuff because you're too busy thinking about somebody else's opinions. So when men are making this commentary, this is the impact that it's having on women. So they think it's flippant, throwaway comments, jokes, looks. It's not, this is the opinion that it's having. For comments to stand, they have to have lived experience. And men do not have that lived experience. Confidence in what you're saying does not make it true, right? So men saying things confidently, judging you confidently, making jokes about you confidently, commenting on your look, on your shape, on your size, confidently. does not make it valid. You can be completely certain and completely wrong all at the same time. I know this because I was. I was sure that men didn't really carry this kind of weight, but I was wrong based on what another man in that experience was telling me. And let's face it, he didn't realize anything dramatic there for me. He was just talking to me about his experience. I just didn't know what it was like to live as a man in that kind of body. And then when he was talking, he made something visible for me that had always been there for him. but had never been made public to me, I guess, because I'm not in those rooms and I'm not in those men's experiences. In the rooms I'm in, that stuff wasn't talked about. So, just because you are completely certain about something, men, it doesn't mean that you're right. That's how lived experience works. You can't access it from the outside somewhere. You can only know it once you've lived it, which means every man who has ever commented on a woman's body, her weight, her clothing, her appearance, her choices, did it without the information that he would have needed to have authority in what he was saying. He built his opinion from the outside, from an assumption. He... built his opinion from a version of an experience that he constructed in his head without ever having to live it. So if you're hearing these comments from men, let me tell you, this is not data. It is not feedback. It is not fact and it is not evidence. It's not evidence of anything except what it's like to comment from a position that you have never been in, right? And you do not owe it a response. You do not owe it the space in your head. You do not owe it the years of visibility that it has taken from you, the prices you didn't charge, the posts you didn't make, the videos you didn't record, the photos you were not in, the rooms that you were not in. It's the noise. Culture, that's what's done it. It's created completely uninformed noise. So, what started as a conversation... between two women about clothes choices and things like that, then has turned into this massive thought process for me about men and their perception of women, their thoughts about women, their commentary on women's bodies. They don't get to make this commentary, right? They just don't. This conversation with this woman just has cracked this thing wide open for me. And actually it did reveal that we can hold this assumption without having certainty in it. We can feel certain, but actually it can still be wrong. But this also has reinforced for me that men are bang out of line when it comes to their commentary around women's bodies. Much more, well, I don't know actually. Now I'm gonna say much more than women commenting on women. I don't know. Maybe that's a conversation for another day. Maybe women are, should actually not be doing this more than men should not be doing this because at least women know what it's like to live in these bodies and should know better. Men don't know better. Maybe that's where we're coming from. I don't know. I think the end result is we all need to pipe down talking about women's bodies, right? That's it. That's it. So yeah, I went right down a rabbit hole with this one, didn't I? A simple little throwaway comment that is, it's all right for men. They don't have this problem, do they? They can just wear what they want. Has unfolded all of this stuff, all of it. But I want you to take from this that nothing that anybody says can ever be. taken as fact or evidence of something about you because nobody else, nobody, men or women alike, nobody's lived your life, nobody's lived in your body, nobody perceives things the way that you do. So please don't take these things as authority, you know? Please never take these things as truths. It's just noise. It's just noise from the outside. And your head is a far too valuable a space to keep renting it out to people. who has never even lived there.