Too opinionated for who, exactly?

Being opinionated as a woman gets treated like some kind of character flaw. 

You get called “too much” or “intense” or “aggressive”. And then you start to change your language. You stop and edit a sentence halfway through it. You stop speaking up in rooms where you have something valuable to say. 

But being opinionated is not the problem. The problem is what happens when you start editing yourself to keep other people comfortable.

In this episode of the Rise From Within podcast In this episode I’m talking about having strong opinions, why they’ve helped me lead and get things done, and why “tone it down” is not sensible, neutral advice. I'm getting into women speaking up at work, leadership vs likeability, and the cost of you not voicing your opinions.

Strong opinions have been useful in my life. They’re how I get things done in pool spaces. They’re how I push back on diet culture. They’re how I’ve built a business that attracts the right people instead of trying to be liked by everyone.

There are many people who benefit when women don’t speak up and voice their opinions, don’t take up space in leadership, and don’t trust their own judgement, so I'll give you some examples of that too. 

If you’ve been trying to be more palatable or acceptable so you can be taken seriously, this episode will probably irritate you... but in a good way, so that begin to own your opinionatedness!

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Transcript

1:44

Hello, good morning. I come to you today from a hotel room. I've had a very bad night's sleep. It's very early. And so I thought what about having to do then just to record a podcast episode and have a chat with you. I name the hotel brand but needless to say I've stayed in this hotels for oh many years. It's not my go-to but it's a decent budget hotel let's just say that. It's not the one where you know their advertising slogan is you know what you're getting. It's not that one. It's a slightly lower version of that one, shall we say. Oh, hell, shall I just name them? I mean, it doesn't really matter, does it? So I've been staying in a Travelodge and I've stayed in Travelodges many times and it's all right. It's OK. It's a budget hotel, isn't it? You know, the rooms are clean and tidy and you pretty much know what you're going to get and it's okay. But you don't know what you're going to get like the Premier Inn. So you know Premier Inn, their slogan is, you know what you're getting with a Premier Inn. You really do. They maintain this standard through every single hotel I've ever stayed in of theirs. The mattress, the pillows, the duvet, the temperature of the room. the curtains, they're always blackout blinds, sort of thing. And Travelodges you don't get that consistency. And actually they're on a par money-wise. So it's not like one is below the other money-wise. It's just I guess they uphold different standards for their brand. Which is fine, whatever. But, you know what? Last night I stayed in a stiflingly hot hotel room. They know that it's hot, they provide fans, there is no air con in the building. And the blinds are not blackout blinds. And there was a light outside the window so that was shining through like the sun. And the bed is not as... comfy and so I tossed and turned and every time I wanted to turn over I woke up all that sort of thing. It makes a difference right? Doesn't it make a difference? It definitely makes a difference how I start my day. It definitely makes a difference to how well rested I am. It makes a difference to how I feel actually. I was sat in here last night thinking this is budget hotel. So I was just sat on the bed watching TV but I was looking around and I was like this is not the height of luxury. And I don't need the height of luxury but actually what I want is comfort and to feel like I've stayed in a nice hotel room for the night even if I haven't gone up market with my hotel choice. know what I mean? So that's my tale of woe from last night. It's not really a tale of woe, it's just I find these things interesting. I find it interesting how one brand can have an outward facing brand but yet you get such differences within what they provide and then yet another in the same industry doing the same thing at the same price point can provide such consistency. and do such a good job of making you feel like you've had a good service or a good experience. It's just bizarre, isn't it? I just find these things interesting, that's all. Anyway, anyway, let's talk about a realisation that I've had over the past, I don't know, couple of years maybe, year or two. I have always been opinionated. I know this, right? It is a trait of mine. I have been opinionated since I was quite young. By this I mean I've always had strong opinions on things and I've always tried to vocalise them. There are people in the world who em have strong opinions but they don't feel comfortable saying it. It's always just come out of my mouth. Sometimes in a more filtered way than others but I have always been quite strong in saying what it is that I Yes, that's what I stand for, yes, but action that I think should be taken, standing up for what's right for other people, that sort of thing. I've always been quite vocal about that. And up until the last couple of years, I've always thought, I've just opinionated, I just need to rein it in sometimes. But I've come to realise that actually, that's not, that's not it. That's not how this works for me. Me being opinionated is... me having values and morals and wanting to do right by people and wanting to be heard and wanting things done the right way or maybe it's wanting things to be done a different way because I can see a better more logical more consistent way of doing things or you know there's lots of different ways that this plays out there's lots of different ways that being opinionated works for me in a very productive way. So for me now this isn't a confession, it's just a fact, right? I'm an opinionated person and I'm learning and I have learned over the past couple of years the right way to use it. And I think there are awful lot of women out there that are opinionated, do have good morals, good values, good ethics. They have a great way of doing things in the world. They have a real voice and they don't use it because they're seen as being opinionated. And so they've been taught to rein in to not vocalise their thoughts and their feelings. And actually, as women, that's what we're taught anyway, right? As women, we are taught to not be bolshy, to not be bullish, to not be aggressive in our opinions. There's very much a difference between being opinionated and knowing it and understanding it, using it to your advantage, knowing when it's appropriate, when it's not appropriate, that sort of thing, and just being completely unself-aware. It's our word, unself-aware. We're going with it. There is a difference between having opinions and standing for something and seeing a better way of doing things. trying to make your voice heard and just being careless with what you're saying. I would like this episode to try and help you figure out where you are on that scale. Are you an opinionated person? Do you have things that you quite often try and say? Try and get across to other people and maybe it's not heard, maybe it is heard, I don't know. But are you the kind of person where people think, God isn't she opinionated? She's got a lot to say all the time. And you can have a kind of internal check with this stuff and decide what I'm about to say, is this going to be helpful? Is it just going to be noise that's going to be lost? Is there a benefit to me saying this? Or not even is there a benefit, but do I need to say this because this is an important thing that I have to say for people? So let me give you an example of where this works for me. I sit on a pool committee. Pool. P-O-O-L. I feel like I didn't say that very well. I sit on a pool committee. In fact, I am the chair of our local county pool league. It's not a league is it? What is it? Team. Let's just go with team. I sit as the chairperson for the local county pool team. And I have to deal with lots of different people. I have to deal with the committee and the players and venues and just... people, just people in general, right? And here it's quite important that I speak up. It is my responsibility. It is not a dominance thing. Okay, I'm not here trying to assert what I think and feel into the situation. And it does require a degree of being opinionated sometimes. So when we have to get things done. when I feel like I have to stand up for something that's right for the players, when I feel like something's not being done fairly. It is my role as chairperson to have an input. Now, as chairperson, I have to be neutral about these things. I have to take my feelings out of it to a degree. So I have to act as this kind of go-between for the players and the other committee members. and the venues and the other teams I have to do what's for both the committee and for the players. That's a difficult place to be sometimes because I have the players coming to me talking about things that they're not happy with. I have the committee voicing things that are frustrating them. I have to be tactful when it comes to the venues or say the regional committee if I have to talk to them about a subject. There are times and places where I have to be appropriate in my level of opinionatedness. have to find the right level because I have to be professional in this role. And so I quite often will say to people that I have two hats, right? I have player Terri I have personal Terri, right? Personal pool player involved in the pool scene, Terri. And then I also have committee Terri, county chairperson Terri. sometimes those people are different because when I'm talking I can say right with my with my county hat on with my chairperson hat on I believe this is what is best for the county but sometimes that can be the same for chairperson me and personal me I can say actually with my chairperson hat on I think this is right but actually as a player for me personally I think this is right or I can say personally I would like this to happen or not happen as a chairperson I see that this is the right way to go. So, you can have a way of being opinionated but differentiating when it is appropriate. When you are respecting a boundary that is in place, that sort of thing. There are ways and means of doing this so that you do get your voice heard but that you also don't overstep your mark, you know? I think it's a responsibility to show up and speak up. I think it's responsibility to be opinionated or to vocalise your opinions. I think it's important that people get a say. I think it's important that women have a say in the world. I think that women should not sit at the back of a meeting room just taking notes. I feel like women should in a group of men at a networking event have a voice and be heard. I want women in business, want women all over the place actually. I want all women to have a voice. I want those opinions to come out. And I think the way you do that, the way you move things forward is understand the boundaries and how to use them to your advantage. So I'm not saying you've got people who won't understand your opinions there so don't say them. Absolutely not. I'm just saying we have to work with what you can. So on the pool scene I have to respect the fact that I'm chairperson and I'm supposed to be a neutral party and that I have my own opinions on things. I have to realise the boundary there. That's what I'm talking about. In my opinion, leadership is having a point of view. Leadership is having opinions and values and knowing what you want to happen and knowing how to go out and get them. Leadership is having a voice. I don't think that I respect leaders above me. Personally, this is now. I have never respected a leader above me that does not have values and opinions and ethics and morals. I have had various people above me in managerial roles over the years, some of which have been much stronger than others, some of them have been quite weak. For me the weakness doesn't come from their quiet voice. It comes from not having a voice. That's the difference. I think you can be a very strong leader with a very delicate voice. If your words are important and impactful, then it doesn't matter how gentle your nature is. I don't think that leadership means being this massive personality and stomping your way around. and really enforcing things in a very aggressive manner. I think that weakness in leadership comes from not having those opinions, not having those voices in the first place, not being quiet about them. Does that make sense? If you have a point of view, if you have values... then you will find your own way to speak them. Now, I've kind of already mentioned, haven't I, that there is a point where restraint matters, okay? And this is about being effective. It's not about being polite. It's not about standing down and not speaking your truth. It is about knowing when it's appropriate. Sometimes you can stay silent as an act of discernment, not as self-betrayal, that's the difference. If in that moment you choose to stay silent because you feel like to voice your opinion wouldn't be appropriate at this time, perfect. You pick and choose your moments, you pick and choose... when it's appropriate to say something and when it's not. But you do that with confidence, you do that with knowing that it is the right decision in the moment. Not fear-based. Not betraying what you have to say. If you're thinking, well I've got these thoughts on this, I've got this opinion on this, but I don't know how well it will be received so I'm not going to say it, then that, that's betraying what you're believing in. That's more often than not going to be you abandoning those values and morals to appease other people. If you are not saying what you've got to say so that you don't draw the attention of the room, then that's you abandoning, that's you shrinking yourself. I hate that word shrinking. Isn't it such an AI word? Doesn't everybody in the space use shrinking now? Have you noticed that? All the other influences... All the other influences? That makes me sound like I'm an influencer. All the influences in this space, they all use shrinking. I try not to use it because it sounds like AI and my stuff is not AI written, darling. But yes. I mean, I think this is an appropriate word here. Choosing not to speak because you don't want to be seen, you don't want to show yourself up in a room, you don't want the attention on you, is you choosing not to speak in order to shrink yourself and keep yourself small in the room. that then takes away your power, that takes away... A bit of you. A bit of you. That's what it takes away. And we're trying to build you up, not take those bits away. There have been other places in my life where I've used this opinionatedness to my advantage. Diet culture, self-protection in diet culture, I have used my opinions as a line of defense for many years now. If you've been following me for a while and you've listened to the back catalogue of this podcast, you will know that everything I've stood for up until now has been about increasing women's body image and anti-diet culture and anti-diet work and intuitive eating and more importantly making women feel just bloody fantastic in the body that they've got. So... For me to be able to do that, I've had to really learn how to defend myself in that space, how to be opinionated in that space. Because let me tell you now, there are a lot of people who do not believe in the anti-diet work and the body positivity work. And especially now in the time of the GLP-1 medication, it's like body positivity has gone out the window again and... we are now back to square one and everybody is thinking thin is best, thin is the way forward. That's how women should be valued and weight loss is a quick and easy fix. I'm still stood here in the middle of all this going absolutely not this stuff is dangerous and damaging and that's another subject for another podcast episode but I'm having to stand here still being opinionated in this space on behalf of other women and on behalf of myself I have had to learn this stuff so that I can repeat it over and over and over again and I will still tell anybody who will listen that women should be valued in their bodies as they are. Women should not be forced to lose weight and reshape themselves in order to please somebody else's idea of what is beautiful. And that applies for me too. I'm sitting here in a bigger body, also trying to combat this stuff that's going on at the moment. seeing lots of people around me on this medication losing an awful lot of weight and me still sat here in my bigger body. So I've had to use my opinionated side in order to voice my opinions on this stuff, my very well educated opinions on this stuff. I am using it to opt out of bullshit because I trust in everything that I have learnt. I trust in the difference that it's made in my life. I trust my judgement. I trust that this stuff is going to come back around and that the GLP-1 stuff will not last forever. People will start to see the side effects of having been on this stuff for a little while and will realize that it's not all it's cracked up to be. I trust in my own judgment. It's hard work, right? It's hard work being opinionated sometimes because you feel like you're banging against a brick wall. Just bashing your head against a brick wall and nobody's listening. But people are listening. And actually sometimes all it takes is for you to say something to one person for it to make a massive difference. You say something to somebody and then they say something to somebody and then they say something to somebody and before you know it... your message is spreading. It might be small, in a very big world, but it's still spreading. And if everybody was opinionated about the things that they felt strongly about, I mean, yes, okay, so there might be war and things like that, but if everybody used it well, if everybody used their opinionatedness well in a respectful and, reasonable manner then the world could be a much better place right? When I was leaving primary school, I was given a note by a teacher. And this note stuck with me for a million years. Well, not a million, because I'm not that old, but you know what mean. It said, smile a while, and while you smile, others smile. And soon, there's miles and miles of smiles just because you smiled. And I just thought that was lovely. And basically what it's saying, if you didn't keep up with it, is if you smile, someone else smiles. You know when you're in the street and maybe you smile at somebody, you don't know, and they smile back at you just because you smiled. And then maybe that person goes on to smile at somebody else. And then maybe that person goes to smile to somebody else. And soon, lots of people in the world are smiling just because you smiled. It's that. This is what I'm talking about. This ripple effect. You say something to somebody and it has an impact on them and then they say something to somebody else and that has an impact on them. It's that sort of thing. This is where your opinionatedness works and should not be shut down because it will have an effect on other people. All neutrality does, all you being quiet does is benefit systems that already have power. So if you are standing in a room full of very powerful people and you choose not to speak up, you are just keeping that power with those powerful people. If you have an opinion in an industry where change needs to happen, and you don't. you are keeping that power with the thing that needs changing. If you are a voice for change, you have to be the voice because otherwise those things will not change. And I guess it doesn't really matter what industry you're in. It doesn't matter what role you do, what work you do. Maybe you don't work, but you're in social circles where things, you know, well, things are said in social circles, aren't they? That's the way social circles work. But it doesn't really matter where you are. If you stand for something and you don't say it, then where is the power? It's not with you. And things will never change if you don't vocalise that change. as a business tool being vocal is It's a bit of a strategy, I guess. But also, it means that if you're seen to be opinionated in whatever respect, you have clear values. You create trust, you create differentiation. That was a blooming big word, wasn't it? What time is it? 6.45 in the morning. You create a difference between you and somebody else, you and another business, you and maybe everybody else in your field. If you can have a voice, your values will stand out, what you stand for will stand out, your personality will stand out. I mean, I am not gonna ever come across to anybody as somebody who doesn't speak my beliefs, right? This is why I've got a podcast, because I've got things to say. And because of that, I hope to stand out as somebody different to other coaches in the industry. Maybe your opinion of coaches is that they are softly, softly, very gentle and let's talk about that kind of people, you know. I certainly thought that about the coaching world before I was in it. And to a degree, those people do exist in coaching. But that's not me. If you have coaching with me, that is not what you get. I will challenge you. I will ask you questions about what you're saying. I will ask you more about your opinions. I will ask you where a certain belief is coming from. I'm not here to tread gently. I am here to have my opinions, thought and felt. Obviously I'm not opinionated in coaching sessions because that is not my place. This is where I rein it in and I don't have an opinion on what you have to say. Or if I do, I don't vocalise it because that's not appropriate. It's your space. But my voice helps me to challenge you and your thoughts and beliefs and values. But when I'm in an arena like a... Meeting or a networking space or when I'm doing my podcast or when I'm on social media I'm going to say what I think and feel and Hopefully that then separates me from other coaches in this space hopefully it gives you a sign of what kind of person I am and and The work that I do the values that I'm led by Hopefully it means that you see me as a person Hopefully that means that you trust me and you like me. that will work for you too. You will also earn the trust and respect and the like of the people that you want to work with because you having a voice means that they get to see what you stand for. They get to decide whether that aligns with them and their beliefs and values and morals and all of that. And they to decide if you're the kind of business that they want to buy from. And that's a good thing because it also detracts the... Is that the right word? Yes. Attract, detract. Yes. Detracts the people that you don't want to work with. The people who aren't aligned with what you're doing and what you think and what you say. So as a business strategy to be vocal, to be opinionated is such a good thing. such a good thing, it's just going to attract the people that you want to work with and detract the other ones. People will know where they stand with you if you've got something to say and you say it. Because let's face it, if you don't say what you think, if you don't put your opinions out there when you're doing things like social media and then they come to work with you and all of a sudden in a one-to-one space you have the confidence to put your voice out there. They're getting a very different version of you than you put out in a public arena. And that's not what you want as an experience, is it? You want people to come to you because they know and like what you are putting out there publicly. And this also is an authority piece. You being opinionated, it's about building authority. I build mine from lived experience. This isn't about being performative. That word, if you're watching MAFS Australia at the moment, hasn't that come up a lot? We won't get into MAFS right here, em let's say this season of MAFS Australia is quite something. Anyway, yeah, this isn't a performative thing, right? Being opinionated is not about being all showy and having this theatre of your confidence. It's not. That's not what it's about. This is about having real authority in space. You can do without being dramatic. I am not a dramatic person. I do have opinions and I say them. So you can have this authority without it being this big kind of show. So where do you go forward with this? We are very much in the habit, aren't we, as women, of editing mid-thought and deciding whether you should... pipe down a little bit because you're just too much. Well, the too much thing has to go, right? You are never too much. You are you. And people will either love you for that or they won't. That is not on you. That is on them. You are never too much. The editing piece should be around whether it's appropriate for you in that space and in the role that you're holding in that space to be opinionated. And when I say appropriate, it goes back to earlier when I was saying about being chairperson. Sometimes there are times where it's appropriate for me to be very vocal and opinionated and others, I have to really respect the boundaries of my role. And so the editing for you should be about that. Not whether your thoughts are important enough, not whether your thoughts are something that people would be interested in, not whether you're gonna make a show of yourself. That's not what the editing is about. The editing is about whether it's appropriate for the space that you're in. But if you ever think that it's because you're just being too much, then you need to see that as a belief that has been given to you by somebody else. and a belief that you should not hold because you are never too much. Also, are you being opinionated or not being opinionated based on your likeability or being taken seriously? So are you speaking up or not speaking up to suit the audience, to suit the people in the room? so that you fit in, know, things like that. Are you doing that? Are you doing it to be liked? Are you saying things that maybe you wouldn't usually say because you want to fit in? It's human nature. So don't beat yourself up if you are. As humans, we're driven to be pack animals, right? We are designed to want to fit in with a tribe and not be outcast because those who were outcast many, many, many years ago didn't survive. So it's a natural driver for us. to want to fit in somewhere. But are you changing your voice in order to fit in? Are you not saying what you want to say in order to fit in? And do you want to be taken seriously? Do you want to be taken seriously in the role that you are in? Do you want your opinions to be taken seriously by people? You've got to make that decision because you don't get to. want to be taken seriously and not vocalise these thoughts and feelings and beliefs that you have. There is a cost to not doing that. You can have these opinions. You do not have to apologise for them. You can speak your thoughts. You can't speak all your thoughts. mean, that's not, that's never appropriate. But you can certainly speak your opinions, your values, your morals, and never apologise. You can't, unless they are directly offensive to somebody else. If they are harmful and hurtful then okay you should not be saying those things and yes you should apologise for that however however on the whole if your opinions are you just standing for what you believe in and it doesn't harm another human being then you don't apologise for that have your voice and use it have your voice and use it I want more women be proud of their voice. I don't want you going out there trying to convince the world. I just want you to stand there and speak your truth because then you will attract the people that want to be by your side. You will attract the people that you want to work with. You're not here to convince the entire world of your beliefs. You are here just to attract the people that will work well with you or will be in your life. in a good way because of it.